It is interesting that within the Magistrates Court of Victoria shield there is a kangaroo holding the Crown. What were they thinking given the colloquialism "kangaroo court"? Despite the official looking crest, I remain questioning whether justice is indeed blind.
Yesterday was the day from hell. My entire year seems to have hinged on this one precious day. I had to attend the Court with a family member, as support person and as the lawyer would have it, basic 'set dressing'. However, my role changed as the temperature of the hearing rose. I became a sworn witness, where every word needed to be weighted up carefully whilst keeping a constant look out for indicators on the Magistrates' face to his reactions to my words. I had to negotiate that tricky terrain where the truth needs to be spoken, but couched in a very carefully constructed manner thus allowing the best possible inferences to be made. Listening to the Magistrate's responses to my statements, it occurred to me how demonstrably useful a broad education is in life in critical times such as these.
My family member's lawyer told the Magistrate that I was articulate and intelligent and would be prudent to interview under oath. Those few descriptors alone made me realise that despite all pretence otherwise, having a hearing in the Court system in Australia may not be an example of a level playing field. In fact, those of us who could be considered demographically middle-class possibly have an advantage within the system as it is currently structured.
Whilst a witness under oath must tell the truth, that is not such a clear direction as it would appear on examination. There are many ways to tell the same truth, which is why lawyers are paid fees to do the best re-phrasing on their clients behalf. It appears to me that a legal representative briefed and allowed time to prepare the defence will always outperform the best intentioned legal aid or pro-bono duty lawyer assigned to cases on the actual day of the hearing. Thus financial capacity to pay becomes a determinant of positive legal outcomes. Add to this, articulate and intelligent witnesses able to carefully construct their responses under questioning, similarly becomes advantageous to the defendant's cause.
This cannot ever be a 'level playing field'. Yesterday, we were able to mobilise every possible and permissable advantage and my family member walked free, albeit with a suspended sentence. I feel confident that had this family member been represented by a duty lawyer,and had no 'witness', the outcome would have been very different, with the possibility of a years incarceration.
What fightened me and made the hearing more fraught, was that in summation, the very 'advantages' we took into the Court sounded like they would be brought into play as reasons denying mitigation. The Magistrate quite clearly outlined the lack of 'usual' disadvantage my family member suffered when compared to others who fronted the Court with similar charges. The implication being "you should have known better, and thus were more culpable". It looked bad for quite a while despite my best efforts.
Yet, in the end after a very forthright and well-deserved cautioning and reprimand, my family member was free to leave with only the slightest penalties incurred because of the recent (last twelve months) demonstrated 'attempt to change attitude and behaviour' and 'the very real possibility that incarceration at this age would almost certainly compound any negative societal attitudes upon release'.
The emotional energy expended in these hours was unable to be measured or adequately described here. There were swings from the deepest realms of fear and trepidation to the breath-withheld hiatus before the relief. It was again a painful and traumatic experience where I was completely emotionally invested in the entire proceedings. I could not be otherwise in the circumstances. The entire day was so draining that bed and sleep was definitely on the agenda very early last night.
The tears came only once under cross-examination when I was questioned as to my own actions within the lead-up years, and the usual form of female role guilt flooded to the surface. Then finally they feel tumultously and freely once curled inside the womb-like softness and darkness of the doona.
Today, I am feeling completely drained and a bit numb.
It has been hard to pick up 'normal' life.
But on the other hand, yesterday afternoon I read an academic journal article and made notes as I read through. This was the first time in months I knew I was retaining information.
That just reinforced for me, how much these last months 'in limbo' have contributed to my under-performance as a scholar, and even as a normal person.
I now know, and can proudly state, that I have done well to have managed to stay as 'well' as I have, and negotiated my way up and down my mood swings. Those who expected more from me in this time, can never understand or empathize with what the months since hospital have been like, or even what the last twelve months have been like with life 'on hold' so to speak.
Before this time it has been four to five years of actual abuse, violence, torment, self-doubt and stress. To think this is the time I made the choice to embark on a PhD! What an intelligent decision on my part.
Well people watch this space, I will conquer it all, but in my time, under my control, and not as demanded by external autthorities that have no insight into where I have been emotionally, mentally and physically. I envy those whose lives have minor glitches rather than major life shattering episodes. Yet at the same time I would not wish my last half decade on any woman (or man in my position and role).
