My little contribution to The Conversation online today

In response to a question in a discussion on meditation and mental illness. Finally The Conversation becomes one for me... hope I haven't pushed to 'boat' too far and shut down the conversation with my middle class/educated claim about research in this field...oh well will know tomorrow if these people get too busy or I have simply accidentally negated their discussion space...

Okay this one specifically to James but also to the other academics discussing this topic. One could say that meditation is simply relaxation but I think the tenor of the discussion is about its efficacy in treatment for mental illness. Thus, as I mentioned before this is not my area of PhD studies (I am doing Creative Writing and writing a novel), it happens to be one of my "hobby horses". Too often people without mental illness study and speak for people with mental illness. And whilst I cannot speak for others, especially not for sufferers of extreme psychoses, I have lived with these patients for several weeks at a time on numerous occasions. Ethics does not allow me to use their experiences for my own research; however I can make general observations and relate the differences to my own experiences.

Relaxation is fantastic.. no matter how one achieves it... through physical activity, immersing oneself in a book, listening to music, or gardening and painting... however, meditation is the active decision to enter (or attempt to enter) a state of calm and relaxation. So why does this work for me as patient?

In my depressive state, my mind is active, constantly spiralling out of control with negative self-talk, reframing my past experiences in the bleakest light, and projecting that feeling forward if I can conceive of forward at all. When in mania it is as the disease name suggests the polar opposite... my self talk is grandiose, expansive and totally unrealistic in the same sense. I do not consciously want to come down from here... the colours are intense, the aromas more so, the sounds so sharp... every bird tweet is a thing of beauty and wonder, even the sound of the wind is magical... why would any rational human (even non-patient) want to say good bye to this? It is enervation at its extremes and we know that inevitably the crash will be horrendous to the hole dug by the "black dog". It is no way to live a 'normal' life... so what can we do?

Learn to establish wellness, and a form of self-awareness that means we mobilise our resources. We need to meditate first (as painting just allows the driven mania to express on the page). We need to learn to quieten our mind... to shut out external aural stimuli and internal self talk before we can enter a state 'normal' people equate with relaxation.

And from what I have been told by other patients with immediately more debilitating conditions such as schizophrenia and allied psychoses, they cannot shut out the noise and voices... they are already outside, not internal self-talk. Sometimes they are even externalised to the extent that 'real' people or personas are screaming the abuse at them... the quietness of the yoga space just allows them an amplified space to be heard.

So why tell you all this. I truly want to be a part of an NMHRC or ARC working with experts in their fields (multi-disciplinary) to research this topic. And why me? With the ethics clearance procedures at the Universities and Medical Institutes, the researchers interview 'subjects' and then present empirical data analysed into a cohesive academic narrative Consistent with disciplinary specificity... what that means in practice and please do not be offended, is that educated middle class people filter the data through a number of social, cultural and semantic lenses first. The voices of the patients become lost or translated and no longer have the immediacy and dare I say it, even emotive/evocative power of ethnographic research data.

I want in. My whole life is committed now to bringing the patients voices into the spotlight, publically and academically. I can only ever speak as me, on behalf of me... but I know my lived experience has validity as data in this space. If any of you or in best scenario... all of you put up a multi Institutional-interdisciplinary grant app in 2012 and beyond... I can be interviewed for this role... and most definitely itching to be so.

In the email today

... yep, inspiration and advise seems to find me when I need it most. Now this has to have come via The Graces!

What work-life balance? (It's all one pond.)

Wednesday 12th May 2010

I went on a retreat a few weeks ago, and it was just the thing for recalibrating my energy, focus and enthusiasm. What is was not about was work-life balance, because I don't think that's the right paradigm for my life, and maybe not for yours, either.

For me, it's about choosing in a more flexible way, day to day, how to allocate time between the different parts of my life - client work, writing my book, working on my business, family, friends, downtime (and currently of course, Masterchef!). I used to think of it as making work-life choices, but now I've taken it a step further.

While I was on retreat, I had a chat to Venerable You, a Buddhist nun I met last year when I presented a couple of workshops at the Australian Youth Buddhist Conference at Portsea. Venerable You is a most practical and also inspired teacher, a combo that appeals greatly to me. (She is also very amusing...)

We were talking about fitting meditation and reflection into a busy life, and she mentioned that she saw it all as 'just one pond'. A lightbulb moment. Just one pond. Not divvying up time between this compartment or that, finishing 'work' so you can move onto 'life'. Just one pond. For me, a window opened somewhere, bringing a sense of flexibility I hadn't had for a while.

In any moment, on any day, you can move fluidly from one area into another, and back again. You can respond as needed in any part of life. You can follow your sense of what needs to happen next, or what suits your frame of mind. So some days it's all about my book, and on others the focus is on client needs, or cooking a new risotto, or preparing for a creative thinking workshop, or going to a movie with my son or a friend. But there's no weighing it all up to find that perfect (mythical?) balance; whatever needs to happen on a given day, happens.

And if you are cultivating mindfulness, say, or patience, then you cultivate it in every part of your 'work' and your 'life', not just carve out 20 minutes for it each morning.

Just one pond. Utopian maybe, but so far, it works for me.

http://workincolour.com.au/blog/post/65/what-worklife-balance-its-all-one-pond/

Ah how calm it is...

Does anyone remember The Honeymooners? If so I would have started with that old Jackie Gleason catch phrase "How sweeet it is!"

Yep, today was another small step on my journey to full wellness. I had my first hypnotherapy session. It was fantastic. The best description is like a very calming guided meditation session. I can actually remember most of the salient points, and suggestions. The idea is that we (Dr Caroline Llyod and I) are attempting to bridge that gulf between the rational logical conscious mind, which knows everything I SHOULD be doing, and the unconscious mind, which seems controlled by impulsivity and instantaneous gratfication.

If this is successful it will be the nearest I can conceptualize to magic. No matter how much Cognitive Behavioural Therapy I attempt, and being able to identify the irrational thoughts, negative self-talk and highly charged emotions hidden beneath these words, I seem unable (unwilling?) to completely counter the negativity. It must be so safe in that space where sabotage can claim victory over success. Why else choose to dwell there?

We actually had to lay-out up front the whole bag of issues. I am/was fat because it deters the opposite sex from coming near me (which means I can't get hurt).

It also means that people have lower expectations of me. I am perceived as a lazy fat slob who gutses Maccas and chocolate every moment of the day. When people see that that isn't me, and whilst I can enjoy chocolate like most people, I do actually have a more savoury palate, leaning naturally towards fruit, vegetables and spices. My laziness is simply a complete lack of motivation and ability to fight the depressive episodes and self-destructive behaviours, not general 'who cares laziness'.

Also, when I first turned 50 I noticed that being fat rendered me invisible 'as a woman'. This was good. There was no pressure of expectations BUT along came the "obesity epidemic" and fat people were suddenly the new social outcasts, much in the same way smokers still are. It was suddenly deemed appropriate for total strangers to make comments on my body shape!

Bye, bye invisibility and anonymity.

So, today was also all about laying-out these root causes of my weight gain, and to look at the hypothetical situation (hopefully eventual) of me being thin and how that will impact on my behaviour, self-perception and my interpersonal relationships.

Just all of life's biggies, huh?

I reassured Dr Caroline that thinness will not be a magic bullet. I will be the same screwed up goofball, destined to repeat the same mistakes and problematic learned behaviours... just hopefully THIS TIME with my support crew (Caroline, Dr John, Dr Bill, Scottie, Julie, Felicity, Birgit, Angela and Dave) I can make actual progress like a 'normal' person. [See how many people are putting effort into me... and that's not counting my friends, and own self-commitment].

It is huge journey and with the PhD alongside it is quite draining and energy sapping. I never knew how hard it would be just to become healthy... but I am past the give-up-stage FOREVER.

As you can tell I am still on the positive axis (+2... that seems well balanced) and as a reward Glenice and I went to see The Warf Review (Pennies from Kevin) at the Whitehorse Centre, matinee.

Wow! To think that the brilliant Phil Scott, Jonathon Biggins, Drew Forsythe have written their ninth Review for the STC.

How privileged I was to sit and watch it in Vic, although I do miss that magnificent vista from the Warf bar looking out over the darkened harbour. The other exceptioanlly talented satirist and vocalist was actor Virginia Gay (ex-All Saints). She was terrific, particularly her cruel caricature of Amanda Vanstone, and the decidedly different character Penny K.D.Wong in Constant Cave-ins and of course her delicious Hermione Gillard in Kevin Potter and the Lower Chamber of Secrets. Other stand outs... Biggin's Pope, and Dumblegough; Forsythe's House Elf - Godwyn Gretch and his Canberra's Got Talent Nick Xenophon. The same sketch was superb with Biggins Bob Brown and his version of "Tell It To-ooo-oo Ya"

Haven't laughed so much in ages. And how great to sit where the entire show requires intellect to 'get the gags' and not performers simply relying on cheap slapstick laughs (although the Michelle Obama Motown Medley was a tad too Priscilla for my liking).

The one thing I am learning is when University is placed in its rightful position as ONLY ONE element in my life and only 38 hours a week maximum, there are so many opportunities to stop and simply enjoy living.

And yes, Jackie "How Swee-eet It Is".