The Book Launch

I left off yesterday's blog feeling very Bea Arthur.

Perhaps I should see myself as more Vera Charles than Dorothy Zbornak!

Again my thoughts dwell on friendships. Thinking of Bea Arthur draws my mind back to my wonderful friend Dizzy and to the days when we would sing Bosom Buddies and promise each other we would play Mame and Vera when we were old enough... well my darling Diz, I am now old enough and you have left me forever. I miss you so much. You areone of the reasons I began my PhD. I need to capture our special times and experiences forever. They will never come again so they can live on in my novel and finally allow me to finish grieving... perhaps I may be able to go on and become Blanche Du Bois, after I've reconciled my loss of dearest Michelle also. I would love to be as light hearted and open to romance as this famous TV character.

Ah, it always had to become a blog about sex, eventually!

My new friends from work are showing me alternate female gender roles. It is amazingjust how many of the professional women academics have a very traditional domestic family arrangement.
Yet, when I first began lecturing so many years ago my colleagues were predominantly gay women and singles. Why has there been a change or is it simply that the location and type of higher education institution explains this change? Does outer suburbia lend itself to convenient employment for qualified married women, and allow the time to combine motherhood and career responsibilities. I can't see the same family friendly work practices being overtly available at the big research G8s, where career and the University must come first, for academic survival.

It is so good that at least one of my new friends and colleagues is a post-second wave woman, sexually liberated, very much in the mould of SATC. If she had a higher academic salary those would be Manolos on her feet, and not for her a Big, but toy boys and sexual freedom. I am so jealous... I sometimes fantasize that the way forward for me one day will be a toy boy, where I can be the older wise experienced woman... but it is just that; a fantasy.

Even with my anticipated weight loss and avowal to be a cougar, it is not likey to happen. If I have to be honest with myself I really would like a realtionship with an intellectual equal. Yeah, that's likely to happen. Most of my solid male friends are gay. So much for intellectual stimulation within coupledom... just not gonna happen.

This also brings me to male friendships. I watch another new friend who idolises his wife. They too share the traditional gender roles within their marriage whilst he is also free to explore his snagdom. But that is an external image he cultivates. In reality, he needs all the emotional maintenance from his partner as most married straight men I have met.

Next is a very very new friend. I am getting quite worried about him. Whereas when we first became friends he was very open and forthcoming about his dreams and hopes. He was excitedly embarking on a new set of life challenges and was confident that everything would fall into place. Now suddenly he has become more reticent and less likely to socialise and confide. I notice a distinct saddness and feeling of disappointment. This new adventure was never going to be easy but I had hoped for him it would be rewarding.

He is no longer glowing. He seems tired and a tad disconnected from his new friends and colleagues. I miss our frank conversations and cameraderie of last summer. I am wondering what happened and whether it is wise for him to be so self-contained if there are issues he needs to resolve.

I also fear that when he learned that I had BMD he is so frightened to speak openly, as my response cannot be assured as he fears he 'might set me off' or trigger my madness in some way. Since I told him I had BMD he has distanced himself as a friend. I am grieving for this. My illness is suddenly the elephant in the room, the unspoken thing. Yet, I joke as usual about it, because that's the only way to live with it and not allow it to be damaging to myself and others.

Why is it that my new female friends and colleagues are prepared to understand my illness, as part and parcel of me, yet my two new straight male friends and colleagues are less prepared to get to know me further. I hate feeling like I have a communicable disease.

I guess that's why I feel I will always be alone, if that's how educated men my age respond, what hope is there to meet someone (of the male gender) who reacts differently and isn't gay?

I adore my gay friends but hey enough is enough... your domestic bliss becomes too much for a single white female to cope with as my loneness is spotlighted!