Wonderful Wednesday

I know late again with the write up but hey I have been having a little fun and time off. Just what the doctors ordered!

Again the lift out of the dark zone was brought about by the need to dredge up adrenaline and positive 'public face'.

On Tuesday I finally received an email offering me a job interview.

In the same e-post was the rejection from my earlier application. This did not hurt as much as it had a few days ago, as they had said no-one would be advised if not on the short-list. By this arrival, I can assume I must have been on the brink of the shortlist, at least considered seriously enough to warrant a "thanks but no thanks email." One has to see that objectively as a step in the right direction.... after all when I first read the duty statement I felt they would be pushing it to appoint at the lower level (under Post-Doc). What had excited me was that often if a suitable applicant comes along with all the experience the employees do indeed hire at the lowest pay scale able to get the job done, and that most assuredly would have been me. I am assuming that they actually hired an experienced and well connected (research grant-wise) Post Doc. or someone with a stronger Politics core units of specialisation. So that's cool. The job has gone to the best person, even when it is not me!

The other interview seemed more laid back as it was to be a half hour by phone. I am not a fan of this type of interview as I like to assess the potential employer as much as they wish to assess my suitability. I have learned the hard way in the last two years that by being financially dependent upon a employment contract removes autonomy and the strength to speak out when the job is not working out.

I have had two experiences where despite the utmost admiration for my direct line managers, and a personal affection for them, I have been placed in untenable work positions with unrealistic expectations based upon their lack of technical knowledge and adequate administrative focus. The two ocassions saw my stress levels explode to the detriment of my self-esteem and mental health. When things were tough or my skill level was questioned, my loyalty made me work harder and longer than the actual hours employed, just to prove I could produce outcomes that were basically untenable in the circumstances.

Of course being me, my mood state swung to the lowest blackest state and I ended up in hospital rebuilding my self-esteem and mental stamina. I will not fall prey to this syndrome again. As they say, to repeat a mistake is bad enough but to do it twice is just stupidity (in my case born out of financial stress and insecurity).

My health is now far more important than keeping cars and houses! As long as I stay well I can achieve in my studies and writing. The rest should fall into place if I stay well. I refuse to catastrophise and fall into an anxiety state that renders me vocationally and personally incompetent.

I am a stronger woman at last.

I am not my illness.

I have skills and abilities that are often undervalued by me and the broader workforce.... well, their loss really!

So many academics are poor people managers despite being brilliant scholars. That is how the academy so easily fell into the hands of the also-ran bureaucrats!

Getting back on track... that's why on Wednesday I had to put my mini-break down on hold.

I had to function at my professional best. I think I did.

And I had a good strong rapport with my potential employer and the tasks were clearly defined and timelined. The salary again is exploitative but that's par for the course for researchers in Universities (as opposed to the Private Sector).

It makes sense at this stage to suck it up, one more time, if it is offered as the context for the research is a new and developing knowledge area and an area where I have a personal and professional curiosity and interest.

So fingers crossed.

Things seemed to have gone well. A less formal interview spanning over an hour of conversation, discussion and job-related briefings. Well I will know early next week. In celebration I used one of my loyalty hotel vouchers and stayed in town at my favourite mid priced hotel, just to treat myself.

I revelled in the relaxation and freedom, swimming in the pool, excercise in the fitness centre and concentration in the business centre as well as a great window shopping experience in the End of Fin Year Sales at the big stores.

Good girly fun.

A definite mood stabiliser!

Positive 3 again.

The new week begins

Today is the end of my second week medical certificate. By now I am supposed to be more centred and under control. In terms of mood swings that is defintely the case. However, my anxiety level remains high with my hands very shaky. Today I spent a quiet Sunday afternoon just weaving a scarf (pattern kit/craft kid, not 'real weaving'). It was all I could do to finish it, but I did and am prepared to wear the result. That says something at least.

Next step attempting to finish two craft tasks from hospital. And as a solution to a design issue to give the feel of a completed item (on one) good old pom poms... with waivering hands! I am getting there.

My stomach is tight thus affecting my aility to eat well with my lap band which tells me that I am very uptight/stressed about returning to study this coming week. But like every challenge in my life, I just have to face it head on and dig deep for emotional strength. The great news is I have decided that there is no way I am going to fail at this PhD, even if it takes longer than the system recommends/encourages or likes.

I must remember what it means to me (intrinically) now that I am no longer focused on picking up my career. The (extrinsic) rewards for a PhD in Arts/Humanities is not that great and does not assure less competition for jobs. If anything there seems to be a glut of HASS PhDers allowing the Universities to keep exploitative work practices and low salary scales. If I had brains and common sense I would run a mile from this profession.

The issue for me is 'stickability'. I joked last week with a dear friend that I have managed to quit at least one career a decade. That's right, a career, not a job. If I add job terminations and sackings I hate to tally them. Career-wise, the 70s saw me abandon primary teaching, and begin m aborted attempt at professional musicals and acting, then in the mid to late eighties was Union and Social Justice research, then in the nineties it was the end of my radio broadcasting career, and roll on full time sole parenting. Next was my carer phase (mother/daughter/sister) whilst ceasing employment at the Unis, and trying to up-skill in readiness to regain a stable career. The nineties saw me quit Secondary and TAFE teaching, in preference for re-establishing my academic career. What a joke. Again I am a very competent teacher and strong researcher but have found that the management structure ruling our mass higher education system is unjust. It encourages (and even rewards) lesser skilled academics whose career stability is governed by tenure, at the expense of new emerging academics being used as metaphorical 'cannon fodder'. These academics are expected to build their research profiles (competitively), maintain positive student evaluations (despite quality of course/units/modules being tutored) and accept insecurity of sessional or contract positions.

So which direction now in the new decade. Research would enable me to bring together my disparate discipline areas and bring a cohesion to work within the cutural/arts sectors but where? I guess I would like to be a public intellectual. is it too late to begin again... journalism anyone or is it freelance writing? Hmmm. Too early for a definitive decision at this stage.