The new week begins

Today is the end of my second week medical certificate. By now I am supposed to be more centred and under control. In terms of mood swings that is defintely the case. However, my anxiety level remains high with my hands very shaky. Today I spent a quiet Sunday afternoon just weaving a scarf (pattern kit/craft kid, not 'real weaving'). It was all I could do to finish it, but I did and am prepared to wear the result. That says something at least.

Next step attempting to finish two craft tasks from hospital. And as a solution to a design issue to give the feel of a completed item (on one) good old pom poms... with waivering hands! I am getting there.

My stomach is tight thus affecting my aility to eat well with my lap band which tells me that I am very uptight/stressed about returning to study this coming week. But like every challenge in my life, I just have to face it head on and dig deep for emotional strength. The great news is I have decided that there is no way I am going to fail at this PhD, even if it takes longer than the system recommends/encourages or likes.

I must remember what it means to me (intrinically) now that I am no longer focused on picking up my career. The (extrinsic) rewards for a PhD in Arts/Humanities is not that great and does not assure less competition for jobs. If anything there seems to be a glut of HASS PhDers allowing the Universities to keep exploitative work practices and low salary scales. If I had brains and common sense I would run a mile from this profession.

The issue for me is 'stickability'. I joked last week with a dear friend that I have managed to quit at least one career a decade. That's right, a career, not a job. If I add job terminations and sackings I hate to tally them. Career-wise, the 70s saw me abandon primary teaching, and begin m aborted attempt at professional musicals and acting, then in the mid to late eighties was Union and Social Justice research, then in the nineties it was the end of my radio broadcasting career, and roll on full time sole parenting. Next was my carer phase (mother/daughter/sister) whilst ceasing employment at the Unis, and trying to up-skill in readiness to regain a stable career. The nineties saw me quit Secondary and TAFE teaching, in preference for re-establishing my academic career. What a joke. Again I am a very competent teacher and strong researcher but have found that the management structure ruling our mass higher education system is unjust. It encourages (and even rewards) lesser skilled academics whose career stability is governed by tenure, at the expense of new emerging academics being used as metaphorical 'cannon fodder'. These academics are expected to build their research profiles (competitively), maintain positive student evaluations (despite quality of course/units/modules being tutored) and accept insecurity of sessional or contract positions.

So which direction now in the new decade. Research would enable me to bring together my disparate discipline areas and bring a cohesion to work within the cutural/arts sectors but where? I guess I would like to be a public intellectual. is it too late to begin again... journalism anyone or is it freelance writing? Hmmm. Too early for a definitive decision at this stage.