Vale Geraldine Hoff Doyle

TO EXPLAIN NEW TEMP PROFILE SHOT:

("Rosie the Rivetter" died December 30th, 2010.)

Geraldine Hoff Doyle was 17 years old when she was spotted in a Michigan metal factory wearing the now infamous red polka-dot bandanna. After being photographed by Union Press International that day, the photo was later used by the U.S. War Production Coordinating Committee to create the image we know today.

Not only has she become a pop cultural icon, she also symbolises the struggle that still goes on for equal rights for women both at home and in the paid workforce. We, all owe her and our mothers and grandmother who fought for our rights, homage, respect and the communal generosity to continue the fight as 'we have not achieved it all' and 'we cannot expect to sit back and have it all, whilst whinging that the Feminists mislead us!' Wrong! Selfishness from the eighties onwards for both men and women drove the wishlist 'to have it all', and still does in 2011.

My wish for the coming year is no wars begun and fought in the name of democracy (please treat the community with respect and call it for what it is... bloodshed for strategic alliances or commodities) and LISTEN when we take to the streets to say we disagree!

Whilst on a Maxine-style whingefest in this first blog ( I call it therapy), I am also heartily sick of whining middle classes procaliming how tough they are doing it financially... the term asset rich, income poor to me means a desire to 'have it all' without compromise. To the newly establishing families... forget the two cars and Mcmansions with Plasmas... aim more modestly and you just might find your relationships last longer and are happier.

More wisdom for the old bitch.... if you do not look after yourself then no-one else will. Without self-respect others will not give it freely either. So be warned 'the takers' of this world. Whilst I have happily and proudly worn the mantle of mad woman for decades, I will not have that label equated with fool or stupidity. I do know what you are doing. I see the hidden agendas and I respect you all less for it.

2011 is time to stop hiding behind the dredged up 'mask of the clown'. It is Act 5 and Shakespeare's clown is now calling it like it is and others will see how they underestimated the character of the fool. Even the Tarot card may just be wrong... s/he may not need the small dog to stop stepping off the cliff whilst gazing at the skies. It might actually be a choice. the choice to search for beauty instead of earthly degradation and opportunism.

I am no longer The Fool... call me The Priestess in balance between the black and white pillars of society. My mood states may fluctuate but I will always find equilibrium! It will be when it suits me and as I work my way there, not on anyone else's timelines of expectations.

I wish everybody clarity of thought and understanding (with compassion) in 2011.

Miners not minors....

That's a Galaxy Quest joke for other nerds reading this... no further elaboration needed, except that it is probably wise for me to begin this post with a joke. That way it will ensure I keep things upbeat.

Today I have taken the proverbial well-earned lunch break, after two fraught days reformatting ansd reinstalling all my programs and data on my main computer. Thank the goddess for external hard drives!

Was unable to go online via my 'new' Mac as I need an ethernet cable some 10 metres long and permission from a surely young adult son to enter his room to access the household wifi modem!!! Why oh why did I get it installed there? Stupid moment methinks.

Anyway, sat down with my one whole grain sandwich (that's an important milestone for a post lap bander!!), to watch the news station, only to find Channel 9 live to the Chilean miners rescue.

My breath caught, I am in two minds. One total rapture that these 33 men can be rescued and returned to their families albeit with probable mental health issues impacting their lives for the forseeable future. The other emotion is overwhelming saddness. An irrational saddness really, given the time it has taken to drill the rescue shaft.

My dear brother could not have survived this long to wait for such a rescue effort, if they had had the tecnology back in 72. The men with him (82 others) on the 3,000 foot level survived for some unknown period of time after the silver mine fire in Kellogg Idaho, before succumbing to carbon monoxide poisoning, but not months! Kevin would not have benefitted from this technology and skill yet I feel sad that he and his co-workers had no such option.

The fire had to be extinguished and taking the oxygen was the only way. I remain sad that Kevin's life was taken so young. Every time a mining incident or accidentcomes up on the news, the old emotional wounds re-open and the grieving begins anew. I thought the Beaconsfield disaster had solved that problem for me... with the April dates, the two week entrapment and other eerily co-incidental material.

This is different, so why the grief? I guess it is the whole media circus thing. I, like everyone around the world want to watch and feel vicariously part of the rescue, yet it is this same media coverage that so impacted my family when Kevin was trapped.

We the family became trapped and hunted. So much so that I was sent away to drama camp... yep... good call that... focus on The Beggars Opera while my brother's life or death was unknown!
The denial of family support and shared grief satys with me today. There is no blame... just saddness and the knowledge today that this will ALWAYS surface as one cannot 'get over' such traumatic events in one's life.

But hey, let's end on an upnote.. let's pray (to which-ever divine being) that no communities are decimated like Kellogg, USA again by such a tragedy and that human ingenuity can save lifes.

I should post the pic of the Kellogg memorial as an image but I haven't loaded those data files yet. I will though. This I promise the men and families affected.

Inspiration for today

Okay it's not my own words but it is exactly where my focus is this week, especially today. When all my 'personal environments' are listed, is it any wonder that I feel out of control on so many fronts, and how an excess of pressure/distress in any of these sends all my best laid plans and resolutions out the proverbial window?

http://workincolour.com.au/blog/post/64/succeed-dont-fail/

At last I can stop berrating myself. It is not that I have no willpower... it is just that I am not thinking clearly and determining (or valueng) the most urgent front on which to invest my emotional and physical energy... Inevitably the PhD will often seem off the radar in the mix. How normal is that? Rather than mentally despair, I just need a more holistic overview and maintain my mental strength and wellness.
(Tomorrow is a big day after all and the lead up has been energy sapping).

I also need to feel confident that when everything is under control (to an extent) then I can achieve at the highest level academically... and maybe there are days and even weeks when this is not humanly possible! This being one of them.

Ah how calm it is...

Does anyone remember The Honeymooners? If so I would have started with that old Jackie Gleason catch phrase "How sweeet it is!"

Yep, today was another small step on my journey to full wellness. I had my first hypnotherapy session. It was fantastic. The best description is like a very calming guided meditation session. I can actually remember most of the salient points, and suggestions. The idea is that we (Dr Caroline Llyod and I) are attempting to bridge that gulf between the rational logical conscious mind, which knows everything I SHOULD be doing, and the unconscious mind, which seems controlled by impulsivity and instantaneous gratfication.

If this is successful it will be the nearest I can conceptualize to magic. No matter how much Cognitive Behavioural Therapy I attempt, and being able to identify the irrational thoughts, negative self-talk and highly charged emotions hidden beneath these words, I seem unable (unwilling?) to completely counter the negativity. It must be so safe in that space where sabotage can claim victory over success. Why else choose to dwell there?

We actually had to lay-out up front the whole bag of issues. I am/was fat because it deters the opposite sex from coming near me (which means I can't get hurt).

It also means that people have lower expectations of me. I am perceived as a lazy fat slob who gutses Maccas and chocolate every moment of the day. When people see that that isn't me, and whilst I can enjoy chocolate like most people, I do actually have a more savoury palate, leaning naturally towards fruit, vegetables and spices. My laziness is simply a complete lack of motivation and ability to fight the depressive episodes and self-destructive behaviours, not general 'who cares laziness'.

Also, when I first turned 50 I noticed that being fat rendered me invisible 'as a woman'. This was good. There was no pressure of expectations BUT along came the "obesity epidemic" and fat people were suddenly the new social outcasts, much in the same way smokers still are. It was suddenly deemed appropriate for total strangers to make comments on my body shape!

Bye, bye invisibility and anonymity.

So, today was also all about laying-out these root causes of my weight gain, and to look at the hypothetical situation (hopefully eventual) of me being thin and how that will impact on my behaviour, self-perception and my interpersonal relationships.

Just all of life's biggies, huh?

I reassured Dr Caroline that thinness will not be a magic bullet. I will be the same screwed up goofball, destined to repeat the same mistakes and problematic learned behaviours... just hopefully THIS TIME with my support crew (Caroline, Dr John, Dr Bill, Scottie, Julie, Felicity, Birgit, Angela and Dave) I can make actual progress like a 'normal' person. [See how many people are putting effort into me... and that's not counting my friends, and own self-commitment].

It is huge journey and with the PhD alongside it is quite draining and energy sapping. I never knew how hard it would be just to become healthy... but I am past the give-up-stage FOREVER.

As you can tell I am still on the positive axis (+2... that seems well balanced) and as a reward Glenice and I went to see The Warf Review (Pennies from Kevin) at the Whitehorse Centre, matinee.

Wow! To think that the brilliant Phil Scott, Jonathon Biggins, Drew Forsythe have written their ninth Review for the STC.

How privileged I was to sit and watch it in Vic, although I do miss that magnificent vista from the Warf bar looking out over the darkened harbour. The other exceptioanlly talented satirist and vocalist was actor Virginia Gay (ex-All Saints). She was terrific, particularly her cruel caricature of Amanda Vanstone, and the decidedly different character Penny K.D.Wong in Constant Cave-ins and of course her delicious Hermione Gillard in Kevin Potter and the Lower Chamber of Secrets. Other stand outs... Biggin's Pope, and Dumblegough; Forsythe's House Elf - Godwyn Gretch and his Canberra's Got Talent Nick Xenophon. The same sketch was superb with Biggins Bob Brown and his version of "Tell It To-ooo-oo Ya"

Haven't laughed so much in ages. And how great to sit where the entire show requires intellect to 'get the gags' and not performers simply relying on cheap slapstick laughs (although the Michelle Obama Motown Medley was a tad too Priscilla for my liking).

The one thing I am learning is when University is placed in its rightful position as ONLY ONE element in my life and only 38 hours a week maximum, there are so many opportunities to stop and simply enjoy living.

And yes, Jackie "How Swee-eet It Is".