The bigger questions that hinder wellness

I am a follower of a fantastic global Linked In group, NESTA based of course out of Europe. We are currently having an interesting discussion arising from an initial post about 'why companies still use pen and paper' to attempt to map innovation.

This is the URL for anyone interested.
http://www.linkedin.com/groupItem?view=&gid=1868227&type=member&item=52893607&report.success=62WUlrnddR6bgwSqXhj6sMCTLzs-Mtpi3fLJWbNsWtuooxKwgTL8r5xsvgkbozKwEkXBakadko

What astonishes me so far is how few people have found the time or seen the benefit of engaging in this dialogue. I am also surprised that I appear to be the only woman and one who is not already an ongoing employee of a company or institution.

For me so much of humankind's wellness issues spring from workplace interactions and practices. I particularly take umbridge at Tony Abbott's latest words (and this is not party political... it is content driven) and I am paraphrasing "to allow those on welfare, particularly sole parents and disability recipients, access to the dignity of work.

What a patronising middle class slap in the face. Does all work provide dignity and self-esteem? How does this fit with Australia as a 'knowledge nation' in a globalised economy where work is increasingly casualised and unstable. Does that provide dignity and enhanced self-esteem or work-related stress caused by not knowing what the future holds and the inability to budget for 'aspirational'goals ... you know like keeping a roof over your head and feeding the family?

I heard on talkback the other day a salesman, whinging that because he has chosen to study, pay his education and mortgage debts, chooses to live in an Eastern Melbourne suburb, commuting distance from town, makes sacrifices to send his kids to Private Schools and is able to afford a stay at home wife/partner still whilst earning over $150,000 per annum, why should he be denied access to Federal Government Family Tax Benefits? Is this not middle-class welfare? He saw it as getting something back for his own tax dollar!

Whilst this selfish, non-community spirited middle-class attitude remains pressuring the politicians policy moves, we cannot expect to have a compassionate welfare safety net system where full employment is achievable with everybody able to truly access the dignity of work.

To Paul from Doncaster... I say. I have studied over sixteen years, and worked paid PAYE taxes in an era when there was no superannuation for casual, session or part-time workers, nor sick leave or holiday pay, and have taken on over $70,000 HECS debt as investment in my own future, been privileged enough to be granted nearly $80,00 0 in Federal student stipend, I remain trapped in a poverty cycle of DSP safety net-reliance due to the casualised labor market.

I have as a younger person pulled beers at pubs in London, have swept floors, taken in ironing and done much manual labour, but now as a 50 plus aged woman with a fine education and ability to work cognitively at the highest level, 90% of the time, with only 10% annual illness periods, where is my access to the dignity of work? Doing physical jobs I am over-qualified for, physically unable to do, mentally unchallenged?

I do not want to be on DSP, but until our Corporations and Institutions stop bemoaning a looming skilled labour crisis, and adequately structure their workplaces to accommodate the skills and abilities of the older workforce (remember retirement age is now 67)... how can we as a Country offer dignity of employment or indeed lead the world in innovation and global economic contributions no longer reliant upon the exploitation of natural resources.

Lastly, why after 37 years since the Equal Opportunity Act do women still comprise the bulk of the casualised workforce?

And why in this time of neuro-plasticity and ongoing brain research via MRI's can we still not convince powerbrokers of the usefulness of all workers, male, female, old and young alike. Women are supposedly good communicators and listeners after all.
http://www.pnas.org/content/early/2010/07/13/1008662107.full.pdf

Image reference:
http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://blog.thirdeyehealth.com/images/human-brain-and-stress-11.jpg&imgrefurl=http://blog.thirdeyehealth.com/human-brain-limbic-system-and-the-symptoms-of-stress/&usg=__Ojlp6MVLkv4F7gMTDQKIQUQMfQo=&h=344&w=424&sz=23&hl=en&start=45&zoom=1&tbnid=A0QkwvlnKTz23M:&tbnh=169&tbnw=203&ei=Ov3NTZiCN4S6sQOvq5yzCw&prev=/search%3Fq%3DBrain%2Binnovation%2Blobes%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DG%26biw%3D1056%26bih%3D515%26gbv%3D2%26tbm%3Disch0%2C1680&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=360&vpy=159&dur=57&hovh=202&hovw=249&tx=89&ty=180&page=5&ndsp=9&ved=1t:429,r:5,s:45&biw=1056&bih=515

Shakespeare's Fool

As usual I will leave it to my old pal at Crabby Road to tell the story in a picture worth the proverbial... but you know me, I am not short of a word or two on the topic either.

Ah the joys of technology.
Two hard drive crashes.... who'da believed it?

Well really it was only one and the second as a consequence of the first. But let me just demonsrate what it means to have BMD and be atempting to function in the 'real world'.

The actual workload I have whilst officially on three monthe leave of absence includes:

• Writing 50-60,000 words draft of my novel
• Creating a major web site of International Conference Proceedings (with a second Conference occurring simultaneously... the reason the inaugural isn't live... the academic responsible threw it to me with a two week lead time!)
• Creating a second website for a friend... again with two weeks lead time - the same two weeks, before her story aired on the ABC TV, so that there was a public call point for contact and info.
• Creating my own updated website to accompany job applications
• Doing the actual job applications including updating a seriously non-functioning CV
• Writing three refereed journal articles (not begun yet)
• Refereeing two academic journal articles (done, at least)
• Writing two refereed Conference papers (one national and one international... half done)
• Finalising the pre-publication draft of a jointly authored academic journal (online and published... yeah)
• Keeping content live on the Swinburne Post Graduate Writers network FB page so new members from other states can gain something of benefit also.
• Keeping my own FB page live and of use to colleagues and scholars living and studying o/s.
• Keeping on top of my RSS feeds and emails filtering out research data, calls for papers, conference notifications, new journal calls for submissions (ongoing) and the ever infuriating spam.
  
• Keeping track of useful research material from O/S conference proceedings and attending one run by QUT's CCi in Melbourne last week (now chasing those feeds and recordings).
  
• And lastly supposedly applying for a writing fellowship for this summer.

Yep ,and that's just whilst I am ON LEAVE!

Being back doing the PhD in Decmeber adds....

• researching and writing final draft of exegesis
• writing and redrafting novel draft
• attending symposia

So this is a great snapshot of current life as an trainee/junior academic.

The first list is the 'own time' list of duties which are conveniently looked at as key selection criteria for employment, under the guise of collegiality, contribution to discipline knowledge, cross-institutional and industry linkages, and community involvement and contribution.

The actual workplace tasks really fall simply...

• Teaching, lecture preparation
• Student advice and academic guidance
  
• Marking
• Quality audit administrative tracking via paperwork or online survey data
• Teaching quality audit tracking via student feedback data and 360 degree surveys
• Attending discipline, department, faculty and campus admin meetings (and social events... for collegiality and demonstration of collegial commitment)
• Presenting at Conferences, running symposia, mentoring junior academic staff (or students)
• Doing your own research and publication (for productivity audits and research active status)

To think as a PhD candidate when I was on stipend all this is worth (according to the Government $11.84 net per hour)!

As a sessional, it is valued by the University as worth $90 gross per hour, but no more than ten hours a week or I will compromise my PhD candidature. (In my current situation because I am a 'bad' (read slack and troublesome) PhD candidate ZERO sessional work!

Then if I am lucky enough to gain a lectureship after the PhD I might beworth a whopping $80k gross... for a ninety hour + per week workload.

Is it any wonder people in the 'real world' often query my sanity?

I know I do.

Often.

Hence leave of absence... an existential crisis if you will, and one all normal people can have!

Yet, because I am openly diagnosed as BMD, the nameless they assume I just can't cope and am breaking down!

No.
I am having a bloody break believe it or not
And NOT A HOLIDAY either.

Then let's just throw in a little guilt....

Non-timely completion of PhD after being awarded a PhD stipend...HOW DARE I?

Even with some months left in the STANDARD FOUR YEAR PERIOD OF CANDIDATURE! Not pulling it in in three and a half... HOW SHAMEFUL AND DISRESPECTFUL....AND UNGRATEFUL!

SHE MUST BE CRAZY. Told you 'we' shouldn't have accepted a crazy candidate.

Then lets add in....

crippling financial distress... surviving on Disability Pension of $580 per fortnight. Yep you read that right. Paying off car, intenet access, funeral plans, car insurance, a silly thing called food, medications and supposedly private health insurance and a student loan. Yep, easy as... just need to do some cash in-hand house cleaning, ironing or freelance writing in my spare time... oh yeah, that's called sleeping time.

Next the clincher (and how I began this blog)

The wonderful USB external hard disc drive that has been my life saver for just over a year... and yep... here comes the brand name... WESTERN DIGITAL MY PASSPORT pocket hdd crashed with everything on it.

Not a problem you say... still got backup on laptop HDD.... you'da though wouldn't you, especially with two partitions on the HDD, one simply for data, away from applications.?

But alas, no; the problem with the WD is that it crashes the RAM on your HDD... and you cannot restore or reboot even in safe mode... need replacement RAM.

Great the data is still there but you try justifying spending nearly $100 on ram and data recovery on a 2003 laptop to a tech savvy son of 21 and an ageing luddite aged 78.

"What? When you can't even pay the family health insurance on time?"
"Buy a new laptop for Chrissake...."
"Don't go into more debt... don't take a Cash Converters loan at 24 per cent either"...
"Just use the old desktop Mac you were given"

But don't expect to buy any software of that age, or even get it wifi'd to the household LAN that you pay for... and don't expect to be allowed to have an ethernet cable running from your study to the modem (across a hallway and into son's room... hmmm now why was it located there in the first place... oh I remember I wasn't home).

Then, when I try to tell the IT guy at work that my research (on my son's laptop loaned under duress and borrowed under cintant threat of revocation should I even alter an icon place...) has found in the techie forums that this is a COMMON PROBLEM with WD usb ext HDDs and even the company software won't/can't recover the data.

Yep, built in obselescence!

But try telling that to the IT guy, because the Dean at work has just ordered a department full of them for her academic staff.

You'd think forewarning would be acceptable.... but guess what?

"Don't listen to her... she's just a crazy,crabby old bitch. She must have done it herself, not the hardware."

And so Shakespeare's fool exits stage left.

It's that time of year again...

There is just no way I can avoid a 'hyper' mod this coming week.

The sun is beginning to shine and it has been ten years since my football team had as much chance of snaring a flag.

It was not a good game but an interesting one to look at how the young players stood up under pressure and when it matters most. Now can those young fitter bodies and eagerness get 'us' across the line?

Add to this that this September we held our University PhD Colloquium. I always find the sheer concentration required by two full days of presentations simply needs an adrenaline hit. My head fills with fragments of ideas, theories, things to try, possible answers to my own writing problems. I come away just so inspired. This year's colloquium would have to have been one of our strongest academically. Better than some Conferences with staff presentations I have attended over the years.

The sheer collegiality and good spirit cannot be matched in any other forum. It seems amazing that over the last seven years the Practice-led research PhD program at the Institution That Must Not Be Named (ITMNBN), has been offered. In this time the enrolments have gone from three to over 25 (or more ???). Where once the discipline was constantly fighting pedagogical territory wars in an attempt to define a fixed notion of what PLR constitutes and whether or not it could demand enough academic rigour.

Even at peak national and international Conferences there seemed to be a prevailing attitude of disciplinary cultural cringe operating with the hierarchy skewing towards the longer privileged Science-based paradigm for PhD programs.

Luckily now the debate has advanced beyond this ridiculous and simplistic binary where we began to 'eat our own' between the academics and the Industry-based practitioners. Words such as those spoken by a Senior Writing academic from SA were almost vitriolic. 'Claytons literary grants' was the rhetoric when discussing a practitioners job within the academy, under the assumption that one cannot be both, or that a practitioner by virtue of their practice cannot research and teach.... at the same time when we were putting forward the case that Practice IS Research!

Now we can forget about that cringe mentality and expend our energy educating our colleagues across the disciplinary divisions. Our methodology is being pushed to be more expansive and exiting (PLR, PBR, ABR etc.) Other discipline scholars are embracing our qualitative research praxis as ana answer for their publication imperatives wrought by the new ERA and the dominance of HERDSA stats.

Thus when sitting at the PhD colloquiums, it is easy to feel inadequate when we reflect on our own presentations across the preceding years. We were at the start, forging a path through the jungle, slashing at vines to attempt to create a clear pathway. It is inevitable that those who follow us choose the well-worn path and add a degree of sophistication to it's construction.

In turn this fuels our own reflexivity as we take from their presentations ideas, concepts and lessons and integrate them back into our own practice. Is it any wonder I am always so invigourated intellectually and emotionally. And many BMD scholars and creatives inevitably use this upward surge to be optimally creative. This always co-incides with periods of mania followed by the inevitable crash.

I am writing this whilst I still have some outside perspective on my behaviour and moods. This will soon disappear as I become too far inside the hyper-state.

I hear you saying... well if you know it's coming why not adjust the medication and avoid the crash?

The simple answer/s:

I need this high.
I need this crazy phase of beauty.
I cannot live without it and although the price will be high I am prepared to pay it.
I cannot live without this aspect of my personality, in the same way that one cannot change any other genetically linked human attribute.

It is who I am.

But there is a safety net this time. I have taken time off my study, have scheduled psychiatric sessions regularly, will watch my diet, keep a trusted friend close (who can reflect to me my over-the-topness's appropriateness), and I will continue my hypnotherapy and yoga. I will thus not reach the depths and am prepared to go to hospital for intervention and re-balancing before my Conference deadlines and PhD deadlines. These I must meet.

By using 'must' I know that the swing up, down will also result in a further down after achieving these goals... but I will worry about that as the year draws to a close. I have changed in these last twelve months of journalling. I know I will survive and continue to succeed and grow.

The only concern is that I still need to convince the 'normal world of work' that us, 'crazies' offer so much that more than compensates for the small periods of non-productivity.

We are a workplace asset!

The Elephant in the Room

Had a wonderful evening at Theatreworks in St Kilda last night. I needed a social night! A colleague's husband, Bill starred in the play An Elephant in the Room. It is a good small piece, but surprisingly not a two hander as I had expected from the reviews. The two leads needed the support of the multi-role players to convey the plot and interpersonal relations which become the focus of the plot. I enjoyed seeing younger unrecognised (by me) actors on the stage. It is always heartening to see how many very talented professionals the Melbourne scene nurtures. What does dismay me, however, is that the big commercial companies seem to have a blind spot for using only a 'select' group of mature actors, therby excluding talent such as US trained Bill.

This is perhaps the actual metaphorical 'elephant' that is in my life at present, the inability of sheer, talent, guts and determination is not enough for mature workers. Despite continued rhetoric of skills shortages, elongated working lives, need for recognition of mature workers knowledges and experiences... and in the Academy a hysteria with respect to under-supply of qulaified staff, it remains networking and nepotism that ensures a painless transition into the workplace at an older age. I would hasten to add that the very nature of our workplace experience is a factor actually mobilised systemically to disciminate against our employment. Despite the EO legislation there is no way to ensure that systemic and attitudinal discrimination is not the determining factor of employability.

Why are there so many overseas-born, Australian trained newly qualified Doctors (PhDs) employed at our Universities? Is it that with youth comes an ignorance of reasonable workplace demands? Is it the awareness that passion, coupled with the fear (of the newly settled employee) that any requirement and expectation from the employer is unquestioningly complied with?

Is it the very work-life balance that mature workers seek which is the 'elephant' standing in the way of employment? Can knowledge and experience ever be valued equally with willingness to be exploited?

What is going on here. On the one hand we have a Federal governent investing heavily in local- based PhD candidates, then not ensuring the employers are 'encouraged' to utilise the human capital and investment of the previous three-four years? This is a call for positive discrimination in the direction of

a) older workers, to ease the social security burdon on the State in years to come as the boomer generation is disproportionatley represented in the 'retired' workforce.

b) Australian-trained PhDers into tagged early career positions tied to the University who received the benefits of the federal funds to train these post-graduates.

c) recognition that older women's academic careers have often been delayed/interrupted by child-rearing, or family carer duties more often than their male colleagues. Queensland Unis seem to be the only Instiututions that recognise this form of systemic discrimination by tagging Post DOC fellowships and Academic positions... what's wrong with Victorian Institutions?

d) Finally, an overseas-based fellowship targetted to these Aussie PhDers so we can take advantage of the of the globalised higher education industry.

So, the 'elephant in my room'... why beat myself up to finish the doctorate in a timely completion schedule when there is ZERO encouragement to pursue and academic career, after so many years of study, personal commitment and private debt? How can younger women and men (academics) from two-income families with extended family support networks ever be able to empathise with those of us from the lower socio-economic groups (usually due to carer responsibilities and isolation) ? How can the establishment ever recognise how the accepted practices are actually gatekeping mechanisms to maintain privilege and power.

Fun Friday...

Last night's book launch was fun. I felt I owed it to my dear colleague to attend his launch rather than the Alumni Chancellors lecture. Luckily this proved to be the correct decision, as the lecture was recorded and will appear podcast somewhere in the future.

I am sure that the panelists also use the same speeches at many events, and they will be readily available somewhere, perhaps at the Wheeler Centre sessions?

The book launch was good in that I met some new and interesting people, especially those from the outside world. Hello Ann! I admire people with the confidence to work in the private sector assured that their skills are marketable to demanding employers. I have never felt I had marketable skills for the world outside education or the public service sector. On so many occasions my lower middle-class background colours my sense of place in this world, no matter how many qualifications I accumulate.

It is as if I believe that my fate is to never be economically secure as I have rebelled against my 'station in life' so must be penalised.

How irrational is that?

After having left the launch I travelled back to my new, cheaper hotel. This time my pockets were empty and I had only enough for the train fare home. No room service for me, no lesiurely breakky or trips to the sales again. The only good thing was that I had some white wine left from the bottle my friend brought to my previous hotel room. I could pretend my life is comfortable and filled with wine, perfume, concerts, theatre, restaurants and companions...

Watch what you wish for!

Companionship.

Just when the night was ending and a lonely hotel bed is calling, one of my new friends arrives to share a nightcap. Luckily common sense comes into play as she is tired and we have drunk the whole bottle, plus the remainder of first bottle and some sparkling at the book launch. There is no way she should drive... so would you believe I share my hotel bed with a female friend, which I haven't done for over twenty-five years.

No lonely hotel room tonight, just two older mates being sensible after sharing honest and reafirming conversation, genial friendship and partying a bit, if a book launch counts as partying?

I would say in the age demographic 50s it does!

After such a connected evening, I cannot face Friday alone.

Again a female friend comes to my aid. I 'train it' to her home and we actually spend hours working and brainstorming our PhD exegeses.

It was such a successful afternoon that we celebrate with the almost mandatory bottle of wine.

And yes dear 'new' friend (male) you owe both of us those promised bottles of Sauv Blanc watching the sunset over the water from her patio!

This being sensible is becoming a habit.

I have to phone home and get picked up by car. Somehow I have managed the entire week without succumbing to the black dog that was threatening earlier, and I have been able to do some straight thinking for my PhD. Is this that mich yearned for work-life balance?

Yoga, excercise, sanity, wining, dining, laughter, friendship, intellectual stimulation, job prospects, and writing!

What more could one ask for?

Oh yeah, don't go back there today.

Must not watch too many Hollywood movies.

Pity I am writing this too late after having a quiet n ight in watching my beloved Meryl Streep in It's complicated.

...If only!

Wonderful Wednesday

I know late again with the write up but hey I have been having a little fun and time off. Just what the doctors ordered!

Again the lift out of the dark zone was brought about by the need to dredge up adrenaline and positive 'public face'.

On Tuesday I finally received an email offering me a job interview.

In the same e-post was the rejection from my earlier application. This did not hurt as much as it had a few days ago, as they had said no-one would be advised if not on the short-list. By this arrival, I can assume I must have been on the brink of the shortlist, at least considered seriously enough to warrant a "thanks but no thanks email." One has to see that objectively as a step in the right direction.... after all when I first read the duty statement I felt they would be pushing it to appoint at the lower level (under Post-Doc). What had excited me was that often if a suitable applicant comes along with all the experience the employees do indeed hire at the lowest pay scale able to get the job done, and that most assuredly would have been me. I am assuming that they actually hired an experienced and well connected (research grant-wise) Post Doc. or someone with a stronger Politics core units of specialisation. So that's cool. The job has gone to the best person, even when it is not me!

The other interview seemed more laid back as it was to be a half hour by phone. I am not a fan of this type of interview as I like to assess the potential employer as much as they wish to assess my suitability. I have learned the hard way in the last two years that by being financially dependent upon a employment contract removes autonomy and the strength to speak out when the job is not working out.

I have had two experiences where despite the utmost admiration for my direct line managers, and a personal affection for them, I have been placed in untenable work positions with unrealistic expectations based upon their lack of technical knowledge and adequate administrative focus. The two ocassions saw my stress levels explode to the detriment of my self-esteem and mental health. When things were tough or my skill level was questioned, my loyalty made me work harder and longer than the actual hours employed, just to prove I could produce outcomes that were basically untenable in the circumstances.

Of course being me, my mood state swung to the lowest blackest state and I ended up in hospital rebuilding my self-esteem and mental stamina. I will not fall prey to this syndrome again. As they say, to repeat a mistake is bad enough but to do it twice is just stupidity (in my case born out of financial stress and insecurity).

My health is now far more important than keeping cars and houses! As long as I stay well I can achieve in my studies and writing. The rest should fall into place if I stay well. I refuse to catastrophise and fall into an anxiety state that renders me vocationally and personally incompetent.

I am a stronger woman at last.

I am not my illness.

I have skills and abilities that are often undervalued by me and the broader workforce.... well, their loss really!

So many academics are poor people managers despite being brilliant scholars. That is how the academy so easily fell into the hands of the also-ran bureaucrats!

Getting back on track... that's why on Wednesday I had to put my mini-break down on hold.

I had to function at my professional best. I think I did.

And I had a good strong rapport with my potential employer and the tasks were clearly defined and timelined. The salary again is exploitative but that's par for the course for researchers in Universities (as opposed to the Private Sector).

It makes sense at this stage to suck it up, one more time, if it is offered as the context for the research is a new and developing knowledge area and an area where I have a personal and professional curiosity and interest.

So fingers crossed.

Things seemed to have gone well. A less formal interview spanning over an hour of conversation, discussion and job-related briefings. Well I will know early next week. In celebration I used one of my loyalty hotel vouchers and stayed in town at my favourite mid priced hotel, just to treat myself.

I revelled in the relaxation and freedom, swimming in the pool, excercise in the fitness centre and concentration in the business centre as well as a great window shopping experience in the End of Fin Year Sales at the big stores.

Good girly fun.

A definite mood stabiliser!

Positive 3 again.

A sunny day and a daily whinge...

If only I could quote Barry Humphries... but who knows what a BEX is these days? My good lie downs happen for far too many hours overnight recently. I seem to be falling into the sanctuary of sleep and never want to emerge. I guess that locates my mood state still on the negative y-axis ( It is the y-one, the vertical one isn't it?) God, too long since I have done Maths. But hey, I must need this prolonged state of protection still rather than jump into the day firing on all cyclinders.

Today began around 11 after a long session of old-single-white-woman (I like OSWW better than WASP) patting furry cat (no smart arsed comments here people) for hours rather than getting up. Very much reminded of the scene in the Douglas Sirk melodrama All that Heaven Allows, when adult children present recently widowed mother with a television as a suitable companion for her age. ... She preferred the younger gardener (who wouldn't?), Rock Husdon! Nice idea, but gee her gaydar was as off as mine used to be! Ah, Hollywood and fantasy.

But at least I can reassure myself with the fact that the sexy blonde (I call her) young detective in Cold Case goes home alone to her pet cat and has been seen snuggling together in bed... so that old cliche must be losing power, surely?

Anyway, I am as slow to get to the point in type as I was to get up.

Waking in a somewhat fuzzy state (without the aid of a night on the town last night) I successfully managed to merge both April and May in my mind. I rang a dear friend apologising for missing her birthday (yet it would have been today had if it in fact been May), then confused the Anzac Day weekend, and had a total whinge about why I can't go for a walk in the sun (because I would get pissed off with all the tourists doing exactly that). When it was pointed out that Anzac day was in fact a week away I still managed to dredge up the excuse that the buggers would be down to PREPARE their holiday houses, lawns and pantries for their Anzac weekend guest hosting. GRRR.

See I can find a way out of all excercise even when I need it MOST! I am going to YOGA this Tuesday come hell or high water... I need to become addicted to the excercise endorphins.

Next, I have begun with my usual procrastination. First emails, second FB, now this one. These can change in order but always form the basis of my justification that it is now time for a break from the screen! See how good I am at playing games with myself?

So the point of today's blog is to get my mind into gear. I am now playing with ideas from my general whinge session from the phone call to my friend. So many things in my life scream of the words serendipity and convergence. On a good day this is a positive and generative force, on others it is paralysing.

Whereas last week I was grieving for a past (the performing arts and media), today it is for me possibly a way back to normalcy (in the safe grey zone so relax all).

Having felt decidedly disconnected and alienated at Swinburne last Thursday (mostly through some careless humour and everyone trying to not speak about the bleeding obvious... my breakdown) I felt on the outer and decidedly unwelcome back. I was THAT problem person. Didn't even manage a cuppa with the most level headed of all, Sandra. Missed that one very much.

Attending Swinburne was supposed to be my baby steps back. The first day off Medical Certificate. Earlier, that morning I had told the psychiatrist I didn't want another one from the 15th as I had to emerge from my self-imposed exile.(Even should I need to reach for a settling Valium) Oh good call again, CAC, you were supposed to hasten slowly!

Well, at Swinburne suddenly, I have been forced to acknowledge that I (electronically trashed my PhD work... yep all three years worth) completely in a fit of pique (yep Christine you are correct the word rage is far more apt). For me to recover everything will cost around $300 for a software program. The freeware version has brought back MOST of the files, some 52,000 but all in numbered folders 1-670, and inside are files similarly numbered! At least they carry the suffixes .doc, .jpeg, .pdf etc... so I have a small electronic trail to follow but unfortunately not the TIME to do it in my usual hyper-organised obsessive compulsive manner. This stresses me too.

This would be less of a problem had I not been working towards finishing a collaborative journal article for TEXT (now the October edition not April... thanks Jen), and now I am to write a book chapter that I had already trashed late last year just prior to or marking the beginning of total meltdown. I got shitty that my work on this wasn't deemed up to standard so I did a "Mark" ( ;-)and I still love you Mark), and took my whole bat and ball and went home. I removed my chapter from the book submission and my bio. Now my supervisor has asked if I could write it now? Well, yes of course. It is the perfect time to look back and reconstruct a more cohesive piece of text, one that allows for the convergences from my past.

I can look at creativity/deviance, Higher Ed reforms and policy, corporatisation and marketisation of education (Hi, Jane), markets and critical discourse (thanks Janet), and even Branding with Capital 'B' (thanks PR boys) as it all plays out in the Creative Industries discourses. This finds a place for my frustrations as a PhD candidate sitting through middle management level meetings (discussions in camera of course) which allow me insight into Corporate University thinking. I can now bring in and mobilise critically, terms such as strategic, operational, branding, niche marketing and contrast these with terms such as pedagogy, equity, access, innovation, public good, human capital and above all the YARTZ!

My last 30 years may not have been wasted journies down professional cul de sacs after all. Hey guys, perhaps everything old is new again (thanks PA R.I.P.). This is supposed to be 'baby steps' back... heaven help me if I get busy or employed (which is a whole other category of blog/whinge)... let alone the self-esteem blog.

Talk tomorrow.

The new week begins

Today is the end of my second week medical certificate. By now I am supposed to be more centred and under control. In terms of mood swings that is defintely the case. However, my anxiety level remains high with my hands very shaky. Today I spent a quiet Sunday afternoon just weaving a scarf (pattern kit/craft kid, not 'real weaving'). It was all I could do to finish it, but I did and am prepared to wear the result. That says something at least.

Next step attempting to finish two craft tasks from hospital. And as a solution to a design issue to give the feel of a completed item (on one) good old pom poms... with waivering hands! I am getting there.

My stomach is tight thus affecting my aility to eat well with my lap band which tells me that I am very uptight/stressed about returning to study this coming week. But like every challenge in my life, I just have to face it head on and dig deep for emotional strength. The great news is I have decided that there is no way I am going to fail at this PhD, even if it takes longer than the system recommends/encourages or likes.

I must remember what it means to me (intrinically) now that I am no longer focused on picking up my career. The (extrinsic) rewards for a PhD in Arts/Humanities is not that great and does not assure less competition for jobs. If anything there seems to be a glut of HASS PhDers allowing the Universities to keep exploitative work practices and low salary scales. If I had brains and common sense I would run a mile from this profession.

The issue for me is 'stickability'. I joked last week with a dear friend that I have managed to quit at least one career a decade. That's right, a career, not a job. If I add job terminations and sackings I hate to tally them. Career-wise, the 70s saw me abandon primary teaching, and begin m aborted attempt at professional musicals and acting, then in the mid to late eighties was Union and Social Justice research, then in the nineties it was the end of my radio broadcasting career, and roll on full time sole parenting. Next was my carer phase (mother/daughter/sister) whilst ceasing employment at the Unis, and trying to up-skill in readiness to regain a stable career. The nineties saw me quit Secondary and TAFE teaching, in preference for re-establishing my academic career. What a joke. Again I am a very competent teacher and strong researcher but have found that the management structure ruling our mass higher education system is unjust. It encourages (and even rewards) lesser skilled academics whose career stability is governed by tenure, at the expense of new emerging academics being used as metaphorical 'cannon fodder'. These academics are expected to build their research profiles (competitively), maintain positive student evaluations (despite quality of course/units/modules being tutored) and accept insecurity of sessional or contract positions.

So which direction now in the new decade. Research would enable me to bring together my disparate discipline areas and bring a cohesion to work within the cutural/arts sectors but where? I guess I would like to be a public intellectual. is it too late to begin again... journalism anyone or is it freelance writing? Hmmm. Too early for a definitive decision at this stage.