Showing posts with label Depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Depression. Show all posts

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Always more to learn


My silence over the last month continues to be explained by the write up phase of my PhD. This phase is desolation. Even my GP said the other day that 'PhD's are enough to drive sane people insane, imagine the stress you are under'. How interesting, when one lives with stress as a daily partner it becomes normalised. That doesn't mean it is any less debilitating but just a part of the mental torment to control and 'get through' in one's normal routine. Turning is desperation to people whose words can describe the things I find hard to encapsulate adequately in my creative writing, and the things that sound cliched in my academic writing, I find that every time I open their books new things jump out at me.

It's as if... I feel even more inadequate> How could I have survived with this condition this long and not seen or understood the obvious things being spoken about. For example throughout my life I have had suicidal ideations and indeed taken a perverse pleasure in them. It was as if my safety was thinking about suicide rather than acting upon it. I was not and am not alone. Apparently this is the very stuff of suicide ideation, a form of wish fulfilment that promises and imagined respite from the unbearable pain. Yet to act upon it is vengeful. It is to purposely hurt others... along the lines of Spike Milligan's "I told you I was ill"...a sort of see, you wouldn't believe how real this was, now you can feel guilty.

To have that much anger seems counter to the despair and enervation that is upon one when suicide ideations occur. Why have I not been able to see it before reading famed entertainment industry attorney Terri Cheney's book, Manic: A memoir. Or another, Darkness Visible by the late author William Styron.

I have felt comfortable re-reading Kay Redfield Jamieson's 1993 Touched with Fire as an academic search for knowledge, and previously her memoir, An Unquiet Mind. It is as if these people are publically successful and safe to speak about their depressions and manias that make me stop and reflect on what I am actually doing in my own PhD. Is my lack of public profile good or bad? Does it mean that what I have to say will be less valued? Can there ever be an 'everyone' voice of the disease BMD, when it is so idiosyncratic in its shifts, phases, cycles and even within the polarities themselves, let alone the individual differences in reactions to and success with medications and pharmacological interventions.

So in the academic sense what can be my contribution to new knowledge as demanded of a PhD? What can I say that these highly skilled and intelligent wordsmiths and successful professional people have not said?

Maybe it is simply to let people share a glimpse inside the world of madness, and that it is not unrelenting and there are times of absolute psychological normality. We are not all the same. I am not my illness.

It has been a revelation to me that the sexual promiscuity that can accompany mania is less about feeling desirable and sexually powerful and is more about a desperate need for human connection... the need to feel connected with someone. Communication being the goal however when the libido is freed from normal rational constraint, it becomes the equivalent of 'beer goggles'.... sex becomes confused with connection.

is that what my PhD is about and also this blog... my need to connect as I am alone in life and have no partner to be strong for me throughout the ups and downs?

"Only connect! That was the whole of her sermon. Only connect the prose and the passion, and both will be exalted, and human love will be seen at its height. Live in fragments no longer. Only connect, and the beast and the monk, robbed of the isolation that is life to either, will die." Howards End 1910 by E.M Forster.

Like Rita in educating Rita, it finally makes sense to me too.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Friends are gold and LRB rules.


Yesterday, I knew that my mood was not stable as it had been the day before. I would say I was hovering around the minus 4 ( remembering that hospital beckons at that level). I felt that I could not face even getting out of bed. Even the shower seemed like too much effort, and I am one of those people who needs to shower whenever I feel stressed or just plain tired. My skin itches and feels like I want to scratch it off... and only hot streaming water, or a seaside dip can make me feel clean and alive. BUt this seemed pointless yesteday.

I knew I had arranged to be at a friend's house to help her with some writing for her PhD, and to work on something of mine. But I had nothing I could work on with a partner, and really felt just plain lethargic. I also had NO money for petrol. Well I had $10 but this wouldn't do the trip (110 ks return) an always ashamed to tell people how broke I am.

The words of my son and another girlfriend always resonate in my ears when I am broke. You SHOULD put money aside when you have it and not be in this position. Budget better!

There is that word again.. the bloody SHOULD!

Tell me oh wise ones.... how do you prioritise the budget to meet the shoulds of saving? And here I will publically lay it out. I receive (note not earn!) $600 per fortnight from Centrelink for a Disability Payment. My medication alone is $10.40 per week, without vitamins or mineral supplements that also help my mood states (fish oil, multis, B complex, and flaxseed oil). Then there are the few meals... say $80 pw (which includes personal care items also).

Next priority is keeping the car paid... as without it I am marooned and cannot escape AT ALL. That's $215 per fortnight. Add fuel $60 per week.

Now what's left? Well there is that little extravagance called an Internet. $45 per fortnight, plus a mobile phone pre-paid $20 per week.

Then let's add that ridiculous move I made to borrow money from Cash Converters to get to and from Uni (and attend the PhD colloquium) just so I could feel self-esteem and a sense of belonging with my co-students and ex-colleagues. So at 24% interest for the whole huge $500 my payments are $50 per fortnight. What a waste... how could I be so outrageous and ridiculous! Yep, I SHOULD HAVE stayed at home, felt disconnected, unempowered, isolated and totally worthless.... of course.

That leaves the princely sum of $10.

Now would anyone like to work out how I pay the thing called a Funeral Plan... at $37 per fortnight, car insurance $26 per fortnight, family health insurance at $115 per fortnight, and that other ludicrous extravagance Chrisco at $40 per fortnight... just so the household can feel normal at Christmas with festive fare and no huge debts afterwards. Let's add to this a waste of money through my last mental meltdown... an $80 library fine, and an outstanding student loan of around $600.

I am going backwards without work. Yet with work, my study time is eroded and I do not finish. Without finishing the PhD there will be no work. Catch -22.

Is it any wonder my self-esteem and my mood swing lower when I am financially pressured? How can you attend to the SHOULDS and save when at these moments YOU ARE NEVER SURE THAT THERE WILL BE A TOMORROW, OR NEXT WEEK???

That is not an overstatement. I have promised myself that I will not give up and just call it quits but deep in my psyche I still doubt that I can in fact 'pull it off', face down the demons and actually live or simply survive.

Living to me entails all the joyous wonder of the emotions, the social life, the glamour of the theatre, music, art galleries and restaurants. My life on DSS is simply survival. It brings a paucity to the spirit. My soul is in pain without affording me the beauty of 'living' at present.

So my SHOULDS go out the window. My common sense just can't win out.

So I guess for those reading this without BMD, I am (like my son and some friends seem to think) a selfish, immature little wastrell full of self-inflicted drama.

Oh, how I wish my words could allow you to empathise... if not agree with my thoughts and actions.

Luckily for me yesterday there is one friend who can and does empathise.

I am so pleased she convinced me to humble myself and borrow $20 just to get to her. To shower, dress, drive the 50 ks and walk along the beach, feel the sun on my face and the sand between my toes. How can I capture in words the pleasure of stroking the heads of two magnificent dogs across a fence; animals that accept a stranger's touch... and thus reassure me that I am an inherently 'okay' person?

I was able to drive home with 1970s and 80s pop music returning me to a time when I felt valued and with the future stretching ahead with all its promise.

Although not jumping up the mood scale, I think today I am stable again. I know the hospital is there in the background... but only when I catch up on the bloody health insurance payments... so maybe December??

What are those lyrics again... LRB? Hang on Help Is On The Way?

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Status Quo... no not the band - despite my age.


Well there is good news. I haven't slipped further down my 'wellness scale'. The bad news is that I haven't swung upwards either.

But at least I am grateful for a respite in mood swings. Being a Sunday I find it so hard to motivate myslef to actually do any work. My procrastination gene kicks in and I look for housework to do... yep you read that correctly... housework. That just shows how desperate I am to avoid anything that engages my mind. And what housework was so desperately pressing (pardon the pun).... folding the two adult blokes laundry and getting 'shitty' about doing it.

It's not that I am expected to fold clean laundry, or hang wet washing from the machine to the line, or remove cleaned dishes from dishwashers... it's just that it annoys me that things are left half finished... even when they are not MY THINGS!

I can draw the line at cleaning the blokes bathrooms and toilets. That is my demarkation line but the clothes and dishes do impact on me. I can't use the washing machine until it is de-linted and empty and the dishwasher is needed daily also. I guess it is just that I can be messy in my own spaces but try to keep the common areas at least tidy, if not spick and span.

Oh these little domestic niggles that can be the focus of so much angst, when really there are deeper issues simmering under the surface. It is so therapeutic to feel a martyr and have a good sulk. Then I feel rewards are due, so I can waste a day in front of the TV screen... yep a complete day and without guilt. Me the TV addict for one day... how about that? Whereas once my addiction was The West Wing, even I can't replay all those DVDs ... it would take days and I do enjoy company for this TV show. So my default program of choice is Boston Legal. Five eps in a row thank's to pay TV. Imagine the damage I could do to my health and wellbeing if I had Tivo or a DVD recorder?

My one justification for my sloth, apart from martyrdom and reward, is that I am also reading the Sunday broadsheets and a novel during the ad breaks. Why, oh why did Pay TV have to start having advertising. And the next greatest unfathomable... why are there so few movies I actually want to watch even when I am prepared to pay for them. Does it say more about me or more about C21st film-making?

To mobilise myself just a smidgeon, when there appeared to be life gathering in the lounge area, I turned on my laptop... at least for some housekeeping there also. Emails to file, spam to trash, chain jokes to smile at, Facebook to check on... and get depressed that there are no new messages or comments, then a complete waste of time trying to drive a new Web Creator program that is supposed to be simple.

Simple I can't even instal the bloody thing! Back to Dreamweaver and frustrations with tables layers and design elements. I know I can do this stuff but there are days when everything I think will work or look good just doesn't or isn't!

The time is ticking, as I have only two weeks to get a simple site online for a work colleague and another with working links and source code for another colleague. I haven't done these things for so long that the program updates have left me behind a tad and I am rusty so everything takes three times as long and I end up despairing that I will have to do hours of tutorials just to get up to speed. ..

But just when I think I am going to sit down and have a solid, self-pitying cry, up blinks the You've Got Mail icon and a fairy Godfather emerges from cyberspace with offers of assistance.

Perhaps this is how I staved off the fall to minus four... thanks P... I sure owe you one!

Friday, October 15, 2010

Oh dear, navel gazing


This is the man, the guru, Aaron Beck MD from the Beck Brain Institute. He is reputed to have developed Cognitive Behaviour Therapy for use in clinical depression and other manjor mental illnesses. Like any therapy it takes years of practice, and typical me... when I know I am heading downwards on the Bi-polar express, it is so difficult to dredge up the will to do the thought auditing required, let alone connect the analytical with the emotional and mobilise action. I am very good at staying above intellectualle and knowing the effect of my thinking, but I am very very bad at translating the 'common sense' across to what always feels like an overwhelming swarm of self-hatred.

It is so hard to put these things into words, for fear of being judged. To be seen as self-indulgent. If one has suffered from situational depression then you have an idea of just how debilitating the condition is... but when you add the constant pull towards clinical depression wrought by my illness, it is almost unbearable. Of all the people who should (oh dear just used the no, no word),
be able to call up an inner strength and harness my intellectual capacities it should be me. But at the start of this blog, I promised to be honest and take any readers through the Bi-polar express from a safe distance.

Well, as you can see from the many gaps and lack of daily posts, whenever I felt in the 'grey zone' or what people call 'normal', I forget to blog. I just get on with life in all its 'grey mundaneness'
.
But when the colours are brighter, the sounds orchestral, the aromas gastronomic then there is a pull to the keyboard. To capture this moment. A fear that if I do not capture these emotions and ward off the inevitable fall down to grey again. And similarly, when the mood swings towards the black pit, with the 'dog' nipping at my heels again I refuse to sit and type for fear that I empower the blackness and am drawn irrevocably into the abyss.

Yep, for the priliveleged well people this sounds so overly dramatic, but simple words are so powerless in describing the intensity of the swings. So for well over 30 years now I have happily worn the description of drama-queen, what other choice do I have but self-acceptance? I have made the ultimate promise to myself that I will never act on any suicidal ideations so I ust have to wear the negative labels. This is a small price to pay for the sacred life I have been given, that my parents strugdled to nurture, and the life that pushed so many loving people away when they felt so powerless to stop my spirals.

I guess this is the reason I am so sad when new friends run a mile in fear when they learn of my illness. They fear this sense of responsibility or the confrontation of raw emotion on this scale. I wish they could trust me that the 54 year old woman is no longer the self-centred, hurt the world type who woud act on her anger and pain.

At the core of my downward spiral would have to be the saddness of being alone. And I do not just mean partnerless. I mean alone... intrinsically devoid of any kindred spirits to walk my journey with me. Who could expect anyone to voluntarily choose this path? I wouldn't. I fell alone because you can never expect even the best friends to be there all the time. It is so draining for me, let alone someone else. Above all I feel very sad that my illness also conjures memories of pain for other friends who have lived and loved someone with Bi-polar and have never recovered from that pain and dissppointment that the relationships were inherently doomed from the start.

It is for this reason that I run away from relationships and put on so much excess weight to fend off any intimate relationships. I did it when I left the workforce to stay home with my son and now that I am at home again, on my supposed three month leave of absence (to attend to my mental health swings), the weight demon is calling my name.

When working as a salaried employee I feel intrinsically valuable and my self-esteem rockets. The more people expect the more I strive to produce and live up to their (and my own expectations), I feel good, I begin to look good and I am happy, for that wonderous prolongedperiod of time. But of how tenuous it is to attach self-esteem to employment status. I know this thanks to CBT and Dr Beck and Co... but I seem unable to ward off the feelings of worthlessness when I am not employed and am in receipt of welfare sickness or diability benefits. Yet I am disabled... so totally disabled that I am under seige. The pull of self-destruction is so intense. Ido not sleep. I cannot concentrate.

The smallest professional task takes Herculean effort, as does the dredging up of the 'party-face' to keep small linkages with my colleagues and possible future employers.

Party-Face.... so tiring. I am so over it. If only I could strive for acceptance, warts and all. But the 'outisde world' is not ready for this. So... the self-esteem plummets, the call of alcohol to ease the pain is assuaged with chocolate... for those supposed endorphins of whatever. After all fat is a battle I am prepared to wage over again, but alcoholism is my one of my gravest fears... to lose even more self-control and willpower, I doubt I could survive it.

Well dear reader/s, this is the thinking at minus three on the mood scale. The tilt to minus four is even scarier. It is coming and I will write about it. Yet I also ask for forgiveness and acceptance when this cess pit of loathing curdles on the screen.







Friday, September 17, 2010

It's that time of year again...


There is just no way I can avoid a 'hyper' mod this coming week.

The sun is beginning to shine and it has been ten years since my football team had as much chance of snaring a flag.

It was not a good game but an interesting one to look at how the young players stood up under pressure and when it matters most. Now can those young fitter bodies and eagerness get 'us' across the line?

Add to this that this September we held our University PhD Colloquium. I always find the sheer concentration required by two full days of presentations simply needs an adrenaline hit. My head fills with fragments of ideas, theories, things to try, possible answers to my own writing problems. I come away just so inspired. This year's colloquium would have to have been one of our strongest academically. Better than some Conferences with staff presentations I have attended over the years.

The sheer collegiality and good spirit cannot be matched in any other forum. It seems amazing that over the last seven years the Practice-led research PhD program at the Institution That Must Not Be Named (ITMNBN), has been offered. In this time the enrolments have gone from three to over 25 (or more ???). Where once the discipline was constantly fighting pedagogical territory wars in an attempt to define a fixed notion of what PLR constitutes and whether or not it could demand enough academic rigour.

Even at peak national and international Conferences there seemed to be a prevailing attitude of disciplinary cultural cringe operating with the hierarchy skewing towards the longer privileged Science-based paradigm for PhD programs.

Luckily now the debate has advanced beyond this ridiculous and simplistic binary where we began to 'eat our own' between the academics and the Industry-based practitioners. Words such as those spoken by a Senior Writing academic from SA were almost vitriolic. 'Claytons literary grants' was the rhetoric when discussing a practitioners job within the academy, under the assumption that one cannot be both, or that a practitioner by virtue of their practice cannot research and teach.... at the same time when we were putting forward the case that Practice IS Research!

Now we can forget about that cringe mentality and expend our energy educating our colleagues across the disciplinary divisions. Our methodology is being pushed to be more expansive and exiting (PLR, PBR, ABR etc.) Other discipline scholars are embracing our qualitative research praxis as ana answer for their publication imperatives wrought by the new ERA and the dominance of HERDSA stats.

Thus when sitting at the PhD colloquiums, it is easy to feel inadequate when we reflect on our own presentations across the preceding years. We were at the start, forging a path through the jungle, slashing at vines to attempt to create a clear pathway. It is inevitable that those who follow us choose the well-worn path and add a degree of sophistication to it's construction.

In turn this fuels our own reflexivity as we take from their presentations ideas, concepts and lessons and integrate them back into our own practice. Is it any wonder I am always so invigourated intellectually and emotionally. And many BMD scholars and creatives inevitably use this upward surge to be optimally creative. This always co-incides with periods of mania followed by the inevitable crash.

I am writing this whilst I still have some outside perspective on my behaviour and moods. This will soon disappear as I become too far inside the hyper-state.

I hear you saying... well if you know it's coming why not adjust the medication and avoid the crash?

The simple answer/s:

I need this high.
I need this crazy phase of beauty.
I cannot live without it and although the price will be high I am prepared to pay it.
I cannot live without this aspect of my personality, in the same way that one cannot change any other genetically linked human attribute.

It is who I am.

But there is a safety net this time. I have taken time off my study, have scheduled psychiatric sessions regularly, will watch my diet, keep a trusted friend close (who can reflect to me my over-the-topness's appropriateness), and I will continue my hypnotherapy and yoga. I will thus not reach the depths and am prepared to go to hospital for intervention and re-balancing before my Conference deadlines and PhD deadlines. These I must meet.

By using 'must' I know that the swing up, down will also result in a further down after achieving these goals... but I will worry about that as the year draws to a close. I have changed in these last twelve months of journalling. I know I will survive and continue to succeed and grow.

The only concern is that I still need to convince the 'normal world of work' that us, 'crazies' offer so much that more than compensates for the small periods of non-productivity.

We are a workplace asset!

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Sydney great for diets...


And I thought that Melbourne was unique with its Chocalholic walking tours! Sydney sets up quite a challenge by promoting it's 'chocolate bars'... that is cafes specialising in chocolates and chocolate beverages. Of course there is Max Brenner (one of my Melb faves), but they also offer a Guylian 'bar' in the Rocks and a Lindt 'bar' at Darling Harbour. What a pity that lap banding suits gooey melted hot chocolate drinks!

I would also like to visit that shop that was on Masterchef last week with the Belgian chocolates and expert chocolatier but my dear son didn't catch the guys name and I haven't googled Masterchef... I know I can and I probably will before I fly home for Tuesday!

(No nasty comments Melburnians but I am seriously toying with the idea of flying back on Thursday after supervision through until Saturday. My justification. The ASAL AGM is on Friday! Well that's the best I can do, if the cheap $48 virgin fares aren't enough justifucation, and I have a place to stay so no accommodation costs... There I've put it in writing... I think it is now confirmed.)

The only comfort is that Sydney needs lots of pavement pounding to get anywhere, if you are trying to see the sights, feel the vibe and avoid the ubiquitous underground stations, which I definitely am keen to miss. What's the point of sitting down all day in Uni rooms if I can't muster up enough energy to get out and about in the down times? As I have learned over the years I cannot absorb six or more papers a day. This is particularly true now when my entire waking consciousness is concerned with opening up my laptop and pounding out 30,000 words for my supervisor this week.

Yet, I am also aware of how perilously close I came to hospitalisation again days ago. I refuse to let stress drie me into feelings of worthlessness and clinical depression. I am here to enjoy living, even if that means the bloody PhD is delayed further. I want to be alive to rea the rewards, and they will come along... but just more slowly than the 'outsiders' want.

It is here I should thank my Sydney partner in crime, dearest N. Without you I would have forgotten that I am a person, a grown woman who can determine her own future no matter what happens at my Uni. I have a life to look forward to, an 'old' body being rediscovered and a sense that I do actually have intrinisc value as a human being.

Thus I can happily tuck in to the hot chocolate and champagne without guilt trips. How nice to be accepted by friends for what you are instead of judged by how you look. Why did I have to travel 800 ks to discover this? And why so late into the PhD journey?

So what does my Sunday's rebellion offer? The 17th Sydney biennale, of course. I have never been to Cockatoo Island, and have only glimpses sight of it from a ferry. So today with the sun peaking through for a warm day (17C... remember I am from Melbourne so this is mild winter weather), N and I have selected to brave the crowds and hope that the free entry doesn't bring Sydneysiders out in their thousands for the modern art installations. Of special interest to me is probably one that I am going to find discomforting, an Italian artist has literally hung a stuffed horse from the roof of one gallery. I am unsure what he is on about but will tell you after seeing Novacentro 'in the flesh', so to speak.

Speaking of artists penchant for hanging things from roofs, there is another artist who has dangling Ford motor vehicles from the roof, each pierced with some representations of light beams. And of course I want to see that warplane suspended as a crucifix... no explanation needed here.


Bring it on... and if the Island is too busy, the fall back plan is to go to the State Library to check out the winners from the world press photos for 2010, and then hopefully an evening performance of either Long Days Journey into Night, with William Hurt and Robyn Nevin, or god old Tony Warlow and Siggy Thornton in A Little Night Music. However, if these are sold out a trip to the fun Belvoir Street is on the table also.

Oh yeah, and I also have to do some writing today.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

The man and the dog...

Even Maxine has a dog!!

My last blog listed the wonderful escape I treat myself to on the odd occasion.

Yet, like everything in life it is not all sparkle and light. There is always the dark underside to these special times and experiences.

For me I always notice the light and shade, and Melbourne, like every city, has both.

One minute I am marvelling at the wonderful trees in Collins Street (Paris-end of course), which have survived the drought, and then feeling anxious as the possums scurry around the Treasury Gardens in the dark. I remember when these creatures were so safe in the city at night, and I fear it is no longer so. There are far more people around the streets at night than during my youth when we were on speaking terms with the street cleaner in the Bourke Street Mall, and were able to coax a smile from the young police on duty on the stairs of Parliament House.

I now shiver with fear as I walk the streets at night. There are so many drunk young women falling off their heels or carrying them slung from hands. The young men look similarly dishevelled and not in that 'sharp' fashionista-style; more like a buck's party run amok. Any sign of happiness is fleeting with the sudden shift towards verbal abuse and crass language. The young people look ready to throw punches at the least provocation - male and female alike!


Then, there are the ones off their faces on so-called 'party drugs'. If they are party drugs, from where does that aggression and anger emanate? It is a horrid place at night. There is no joy just desperation and alienation. There is a difference to the late-night walking we used to do in the seventies after the dance clubs closed. We were more likely to be singing and teaching perfect strangers how to do the nutbush or the hustle in the few late night eateries, than prancing around shouting obscentities and looking for fights. I fear for the gentle creatures of our city parks. If humans are not safe, how can these defenceless creatures be so?

Ah, and then there is the man and his dog.

Earlier in the day as I walked to Parliament station during peak hour trying to wind my way past the commuters streaming into the CBD, as I tried to tackle the stairs down to the station against this human tide.

There he was, at the top of Spring Street, hunched against the wall (of my old dentist's building... yes for those in the know; the 'tooth fairy'). He is youngish (hard to discern as he is obviously 'down on his luck'. He is quiet. His concession to comfort is an old blanket; for his dog. The dog sits alonside his master curled towards his body for warmth. As the fog hasn't risen the man and dog shelter together. Even the dog's water bowl looks as if it will not be used today, as the mist is so thick and the drizzle beginning to drench every surface. So few people seem to see them as they hurry past on their way to work.

They notice the buskers playing their instruments on the curbside opposite the station exit and some even find a few seconds to pause, smile then continue to work. Yet, they do not even risk locking eyes with the man and dog. I feel terrible. Here is a man with a story. Something has brought him here. What happened that brought him to the Melbourne streets. I give silent thanks for his dog. I'm sure this companion means at night he would be turned away from shelters. He chooses his dog over minimal shelter. I could almost cry.

Here I am pretending to be on holiday in my discounted motel, with only two day's public transport fare money in my pocket.

What a hypocrit.

I want to give to the man but if I do I cannot get to my job interview or home again tomorrow.

I feel like shit.

I feel the tears welling at the corners of my eyes.

Head held high, I like the commuters put thoughts of the man and dog out of my conscious mind as I disappear into the safety of the station underpass where they are out of sight.

The day is great. The sun is shining and the rain no longer looming. Even at the University in Hawthorn there are autumn leaves on the few trees remaining on the Campus grounds. The train back to the city is again an experience of extremes.

I adore the old buildings and Victorian architecture of Glenferrie Road. Even the station is one of those Melbourne inner suburban stations bejewelled with wrought iron lacework. Yet on the platform itself a small group of drunken young people, again hurling abuse at each other and the passengers embarking.

One decidely unpleasant young man is shirtless ( yep in winter, as the mercury is sitting under ten degrees celsius). He is drunk. He drops a bottle on the platform then kicks the glass shards onto the tracks. He swears and takes a swig from another open bottle that had previously been in the hands of a mate. There is a slight altercation over who owns the 'grog'.

Then as if to smell the scent of prey, the two men and their female accomplice, turn, see their targets, and shout abuse at a group of students, with obvious non- Anglo-saxen appearance. Where are the Metro security staff? No-where to be seen, and the station is busy with the night classes dispersing their students in all directions. I feel afraid, not for myslef but for the students.

Luckily the train pulls in, we all board and the drunken yobbos remain drinking on the platform whilst hurling abuse at the closing doors, as the train gathers speed leaving the platform.

I can relax for a few stations until I reach Parliament. As I climb the stairs, I remember the man and his dog. And they are still there. Only this time the dog is on it's feet barking and snarling at a young man passing by with his dog on a leash. It is one of those aggressive looking cross-breads that I am sure should be muzzled. This powerful canine is straining at the leash to attack the man's dog.

(Why do men seem to feel the need to own such dogs? Are they that insecure of their own masculinity that they have to hide beside their attack-dogs?)

I am so relieved when the owner of the chunky fighter dog finally takes control and drags the snarling beast away. The Spring Street man's dog is protecting his owner. He is standing with his back to his owner, prepared to retaliate to protect their 'safe' space. What a change from the docile black bitzer that I had seen this morning. The dog was visibly shaken as his owner tucks him back onto his blanket and sits himself alongside again.

There are a few dollars in the man's hat now. Please, please can you go somewhere safer? I do not want them there all night. I want their to be some place that they can call home, no matter where. Somewhere with running water and at least a toilet. How can this be my home City?

I know we have homeless people. The agencies say they turn away many (including families with small children) every night of the week for lack of accommodation. How has 'the lucky country' become like this. Where are the communities that used to embrace the 'down on their luck' and the 'ill'?

What am I actually doing in my life for these people?

Absolutely nothing!

I can try to put the man and his dog out of my mind by telling myself that he has chosen to spend the night on the street because he chooses to have his dog, rather than sleep in the homeless men shelters. But hey, if it were me, wouldn't I rather take my chances on the street with my faithful companion, than risk dozing and being robbed inside a shelter by another desperate human?

Despite the business people volunteering to sleep rough for one night at the docklands stadium, nothing will be enough to eradicate the homelessness. It has to be a major social offensive, with EVERYBODY involved.

Politicians, religious organisations, welfare agencies, corporate leaders, workers and all people better off. We must all unite and do something. We are all lesser people whilst such disenfranchisement is allowed to flourish under our noses in our home towns.

Any ideas how I can feel empowered to do something that will be effective and useful?

What can I do for the man and his dog?

Rest assured I will not forget them in a hurry.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Beautiful Sunday...


This is for my friend Sandra to allow her her daily dose of "musical Tourettes".

Now, after that aside I will get to the point. It is a good thing no-one was home yesterday. I was in a terrible mood. My back was hurting again. That's getting on to a month now. I am really getting sick of low grade pain. I know what caused it.

I had a pretty full on computer-based day on Saturday. I guess I was just trying to stay out of the 'other end of the house' as that is where the emotional danger zone lies. So I hybernate in my study under the guise of getting down to work on my PhD.

That works as long as people do not come looking for me to find every lost item as need arises. Who am I the house psychic? What makes men think women have this special intrinsic connection with missing items of clothing or passports from ten years ago?I must have been staring into space mentally critiquing her over-the-top use of sparkles and bugle beads, when the fairygodmother handed out this particular female skill set.

Then I get shitty, and start to lose the little focus I had. I notice I return to form and start doing electronic paper shifting and administrative e-filing. Thus a productive hour fritters into a less productive two hours.

Ah the PhD, that wonderful opportunity to focus on one thing at the expense of all other demands. I know in theory it should be that way.

Yet, for every female candidate I have spoken with, it simply doesn't unfold that way.
"We are the females of the house, so we must maintain the household emotional caregiving roles, even when we are working!"

And that little room filled with books, computers and printers... it is a workplace, yet apparently only the PhD candidate sees it that way.

To others it is a space where Mum can be trapped and forced to be approachable... she has no way out apart from leaving via the external door and that would be just plain rude!

How I long to be "just plain rude" sometimes.

Yet, I do not shout, as I should,... I just simmer in silence for ages after each interruption ensuring that the interruption itself now expands into available minutes and hours.

Well this was my Saturday. Filled with meeting others needs and juggling a few precious moments of concentration on my screen and Exegesis... and like Christ's story, the writing up bit is the problematic one, even for one disciple with a single focus and perspective.

Yet, by the end of the day, or after a good twelve hour stint I feel free to watch my beloved Magpies on the TV, against the old foe Brisbane.

On no, sitting again. By the third quarter I realise that my back and lower spine are hurting. I have sat still too long. Sunday would inevitably be a nightmare of pain and discomfort. It was.

Why is it that when I actually put in the work required at this stage of the PhD, physically my body is now letting me down, not just my mind?

Saturday night into Sunday was a blur of pain. Hot water bottle, hot shower, pepermint masage cream, physio stretches then resorting to analgesics and fitful sleep from 5.30am.

Sunday a blur. There was no way I could be dragged from the bed before midday. As I stood I realised that the pain was not over. More analgesics and a need for gentle stretches and excercises... but hey it's conviently raining.

I was becoming so down that there was no possible way to motivate myself into going outside. It is so much more reassuring to use a curled and purring cat on the lap as excuse for not moving, (and sure looks cute) even knowing that by sitting still again I would be compounding the pain.

Like wiccans, my cat of choice is of the black variety... what does that say about me?... another extraneous aside.

I feel no control over my actions. My lethargy is overwhelming. I feel like I am sliding into the darks space.... I have and the doona cannot call too soon. I am back with hot water bottle and pepermint cream at 7.30pm. Yep, I lasted less than 7 hours in an approximation of upright and awake. Oh Oh....

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Another 'Fryday' even though it is Wednesday...

Yesterday was another of those meetings where I got to witness just how many work hours are bogged down by management people just ensuring that i's are dotted and t's are crossed to ensure compliance with institutional policies, frameworks and practices.
It was interesting to see how the biggest fear infecting discussions and decision-making procedures is PRECEDENT....

Some times circumstances just do not fit neatly into boxes created by monolithic institutions and institutional thought totally dominates and stops innovative and creative responses.

I cannot be specific about any of the particular academic issues discussed but it also brings into sharp focus the need to 'be seen to be operating fairly across ALL disciplines' and for policy to be CONSISTENT across disciplines.... even when disciplines themselves are so radically different as are their ways of being taught. One model cannot fit all.... no matter what the more bureaucrats amongst us say. This is a ludicrous guiding assumption that ensures that Universities do not function at the highest level of innovation... there are inbuilt biases against exactly thattype of 'out of the box' thinking.

That my particular discipline cluster is Creative Arts, it immediately becomes obvious how (literally) soul-destroying such meetings are for me to participate in, and to observe exactly how some terms and conditions are used to systemically discriminate against our preferred disciplines and skill sets.


Who decides on artistic abilities and hence Quality Assurance of a degree... based upon what insight or experience?

Why do arbitrary limits and demands HAVE to be adhered to if a case can be made that better demonstrates merit or competence?

I simply have to get back to working in research disputing the corporate managerialsit mindset that infects our Universities... please someone hire me. We can never achieve a sustainable and equitable nation where all young people (and formally excluded older people) can access the highest level of education in their recognised fields of expertise whislt bureaucratic blinkers remain the decision filters. Enhanced cultural capital is not such a bad goal for 21st century Australia and I want to be at the vanguard of this recognition... not a victim of marginalisation and tokenism.

This is exactly the head-space where I am in danger of 'dropping my bundle' when the world appears so out of sync with my beliefs, abilities and sensibilities.

I am so glad the sun is shining. I am feeling like I can draw on some shreds of energy left to get back on my 'campaign horse' and write it out of my system... but I must act quickly before the angst puddles and pulls me down into my stagnant sludge of apathy.

This invariably leads to the bottom-ward gradient on my mood-state graph. Let's just say today, after yesterday I am sitting at about a -2!

Add to this, today is the 'chosen day' my son wants to dine out for his 21st (with father, ex-boss and wife), an evening I am not 100% looking forward to. Well now, I feel as if by speaking about it (and viewing it) in such a negative way, I have caused The Fates (or would that be The Furies?) to reign down their displeasure...

... My son's boss's wife's sister (wow, so many possessive apostrophes in one clause) has come to visit her, and as many family events can be, the timing is very bad to get out of this commitment, so my son's dinner out is not viable under the circumstances. They have had to postpone.

Next, his father still wants to go out as he is looking forward to it (for him of course, not my son). I can't eat most of the food there and my son couldn't give a shit to go out with his father. So I will have a disappointed son arrive home soon, a likely fraught exchange between everybody later and most probably a dinner for three of us who really don't like sharing a dining table anyway!

Next complication not so easily

My son is keen to cook for a friend to thank her and her husband for his birthday gift (which neither of us were expecting).

He does not know how to actually say Thank you, it seems out of his lexicon, so he wanted ME to ring her up and say thanks on his behalf!(Cooking is his only way of saying thanks when I think about it) Yeah sure... I am about to do more family emotional upkeep, I think not. It would be so simple if I could just ask these two friends to dinner but that means the whole 'ex-boss and wife' thing would have to be postponed (which it obviously has to be)... and I will be up for two or three dinners at this lovely restaurant where I cant eat (or drink... as I am designated driver).

And to think in my last blog I believed the big frantic emotional days of 2010 were about to subside into memeory, and the tense 'don't mention the elephant' state descended upon us for another fortnight or so.

And people wonder why I see my hospital stays as a spell in a tranquil haven.

Perhaps reading these blogs not only will my friends gain and insight into Bipolar Mood Disporder, but into an understanding of my life also. Yep, I need to wallow in sympathy at present so I feel valued.

And if in the text above I have used any split infinitives... today's news is that the Australian Government Style Manual for 2010 allows them. Now I just have to work out what they are!

Friday, May 7, 2010

Another missed post yesterday...

This time it was understandable. I did not even turn the pc on before leaving the house. It was a Court visit day and everything was sort of 'on hold'. It is very easy to underestimate the stress such an ocurrence can have on everyone, the actual participant/defendant and the family. It seems that as a woman I will always be decsribed as emotional and over-reacting. Okay, my illness can have that effect but I am also allowed the usual extremes of emotion that non-Bipolar people have in these situations.

How is it that males, in particular, do not see how difficult it is to 'read' the silences and gaps in a person's conversation, especially when the actions are totally out of sync with the words? It is tiring constantly having to guess what is the correct response and course of action. You are often damned if you do the 'right' thing and damned if you make a faux pas.

In the end I have to trust my instinct and take on the chin any expressions of anger, hostility and judgement that ineviatbly flows my way. I must be able to understand that often the only safe release valve is to 'pay out' on your nearest and closest relation... after all, isn't that a way of testing steadfastness?

How long does one have to prove oneself? When does the male take ownership of his emotional baggage? Is there an age, or does it depend on life experiences? When does tough love backfire? Having used that before has that coloured and damaged my relationship now? Because I wasn't there before... how can anyone be certain I am actually 'there' emotionally and spiritually? Why does all this emotional caretaking fall on the shoulders of women in families? And when we buckle under the weight of these expectations and demands, we are irrational and hysterical.

Ah hysteria... thanks Dr Feud for the bad wrap.

Part of my wellness program is to really dig deep and monitor my emotional highs and lows, yet this becomes so very confronting and even exhausting. Today after yesterday's ordeal I could barely rise from bed this morning. I just wanted to cover up under the doona and pretend the world didn't exist.

I managed to use a whole morning doing exactly this, until I rose, showered and set about making a cake to mark a wonderful liberation from the justice system for a colleague and friend. But wouldn't you know it... the cake failed. And I did what any self-respecting woman would do... I cried. Yep, over the bloody cake.

Then I cried because I didn't have enough cash to buy another, or time to bake another.

I showered again and dressed to the nines to attend the party. After much primping and arguing with clothes which drew attention to where I still have weight left to lose, I decided on a reasonable looking mode of attire. all the time another work colleague's flippant comment about my calves being bigger than she has thought hung ominously in the air... Despite a 40 kg loss my body image problems are still evident... and I cried again.

Back to bathroom, reapply mascara, and get emotionally prepared to join the outside world. But of course my son is late home with the car and has used the petrol needed for my outing. And I have no cash until Monday, and he has only $10, not enough to make the return trip.

What follows is a tirade in which I am called an illogical c..., who never has any money and how stupid to drive to Lilydale just to do social things. Who needs to waste money so blatantly... yep, that pressed that 'bad parent' button again.

Around and around goes the argument that having miscalculated my cash situation was not the issue. I indeed had a right to go where I want, when I want in MY car, with no need for explanation or justification. Why should I have to defend myself? Part of my wellness is to maintain some semblance of normalcy and that includes meeting up with former work colleagues occasionally. Yet, not in my home. It is a waste of money... MY BLOODY MONEY... I put the tank of petrol in the car in readiness... the tank full that my son used going to his educational institution! Of course that is a priority also, but why do I always feel I must sacrifice myself.

So hours have passed, teas fallen... AGAIN, then the child's father gets home and buys into the act. Next we have all out war over the coming 21st birthday. According to my son, again a waste of money when no c...s have a cent at the end of each week.

I pay the bills and budget for things like Christmas and birthdays so my son (and his father) never miss out on what other normal families have.... yet again I am the STUPID ILLOGICAL C..T. Not only that, I nam condemned for organising a dinner for my son with his ex-boss and his wife, along with the three of us. That's a waste on money too. Given that said 'wife' and I are political opposites and many, many topics of conversation offend me and make me want to stand up and fight... I am then called a hypocryte for even pretending to be polite on such an occasion. Apparently, I should be HONEST and not go or organise this birthday outing. So I am irrational, illogical and a hypocryte. Geesh... good evening after yesterday huh?

So needless to say, I shower again, removed the streaked make-up and unsoiled social attire, wash the product out of my hair and retire to my study, like a good sensible poor person!

Can you now see how it is possible to move from a 0 to -2 then +2 THEN CRASH BACK DOWN to -4. The cycles are not daily or weekly, at times of extreme stress they can be this unpredictable... So here I sit at keyboard, again crying and feeling sorry for myself.

If I had enough petrol, I would just run away... ah but to where? That's exactly how I can get myslef into all sorts of trouble. So I am now going to return to the beloved sanctuary of the doona, and attempt a relaxtion excercise. And if that fails the wondrous sleeping tablet.

Can someone give me strength to know which way ahead through the 21st birthday nightmare!