Another 'Fryday' even though it is Wednesday...

Yesterday was another of those meetings where I got to witness just how many work hours are bogged down by management people just ensuring that i's are dotted and t's are crossed to ensure compliance with institutional policies, frameworks and practices.
It was interesting to see how the biggest fear infecting discussions and decision-making procedures is PRECEDENT....

Some times circumstances just do not fit neatly into boxes created by monolithic institutions and institutional thought totally dominates and stops innovative and creative responses.

I cannot be specific about any of the particular academic issues discussed but it also brings into sharp focus the need to 'be seen to be operating fairly across ALL disciplines' and for policy to be CONSISTENT across disciplines.... even when disciplines themselves are so radically different as are their ways of being taught. One model cannot fit all.... no matter what the more bureaucrats amongst us say. This is a ludicrous guiding assumption that ensures that Universities do not function at the highest level of innovation... there are inbuilt biases against exactly thattype of 'out of the box' thinking.

That my particular discipline cluster is Creative Arts, it immediately becomes obvious how (literally) soul-destroying such meetings are for me to participate in, and to observe exactly how some terms and conditions are used to systemically discriminate against our preferred disciplines and skill sets.


Who decides on artistic abilities and hence Quality Assurance of a degree... based upon what insight or experience?

Why do arbitrary limits and demands HAVE to be adhered to if a case can be made that better demonstrates merit or competence?

I simply have to get back to working in research disputing the corporate managerialsit mindset that infects our Universities... please someone hire me. We can never achieve a sustainable and equitable nation where all young people (and formally excluded older people) can access the highest level of education in their recognised fields of expertise whislt bureaucratic blinkers remain the decision filters. Enhanced cultural capital is not such a bad goal for 21st century Australia and I want to be at the vanguard of this recognition... not a victim of marginalisation and tokenism.

This is exactly the head-space where I am in danger of 'dropping my bundle' when the world appears so out of sync with my beliefs, abilities and sensibilities.

I am so glad the sun is shining. I am feeling like I can draw on some shreds of energy left to get back on my 'campaign horse' and write it out of my system... but I must act quickly before the angst puddles and pulls me down into my stagnant sludge of apathy.

This invariably leads to the bottom-ward gradient on my mood-state graph. Let's just say today, after yesterday I am sitting at about a -2!

Add to this, today is the 'chosen day' my son wants to dine out for his 21st (with father, ex-boss and wife), an evening I am not 100% looking forward to. Well now, I feel as if by speaking about it (and viewing it) in such a negative way, I have caused The Fates (or would that be The Furies?) to reign down their displeasure...

... My son's boss's wife's sister (wow, so many possessive apostrophes in one clause) has come to visit her, and as many family events can be, the timing is very bad to get out of this commitment, so my son's dinner out is not viable under the circumstances. They have had to postpone.

Next, his father still wants to go out as he is looking forward to it (for him of course, not my son). I can't eat most of the food there and my son couldn't give a shit to go out with his father. So I will have a disappointed son arrive home soon, a likely fraught exchange between everybody later and most probably a dinner for three of us who really don't like sharing a dining table anyway!

Next complication not so easily

My son is keen to cook for a friend to thank her and her husband for his birthday gift (which neither of us were expecting).

He does not know how to actually say Thank you, it seems out of his lexicon, so he wanted ME to ring her up and say thanks on his behalf!(Cooking is his only way of saying thanks when I think about it) Yeah sure... I am about to do more family emotional upkeep, I think not. It would be so simple if I could just ask these two friends to dinner but that means the whole 'ex-boss and wife' thing would have to be postponed (which it obviously has to be)... and I will be up for two or three dinners at this lovely restaurant where I cant eat (or drink... as I am designated driver).

And to think in my last blog I believed the big frantic emotional days of 2010 were about to subside into memeory, and the tense 'don't mention the elephant' state descended upon us for another fortnight or so.

And people wonder why I see my hospital stays as a spell in a tranquil haven.

Perhaps reading these blogs not only will my friends gain and insight into Bipolar Mood Disporder, but into an understanding of my life also. Yep, I need to wallow in sympathy at present so I feel valued.

And if in the text above I have used any split infinitives... today's news is that the Australian Government Style Manual for 2010 allows them. Now I just have to work out what they are!

A belated blog for yesterday...

Am still on the plus scale of the mood state graph which is extraordinary considering I have been unable to implement a sensible and practical sleep routine lately. The lack of quality REM sleep catches up and my Nanna naps have been expanding and eroding all productive afternoon work time, with the house coming alive after 6.30 when everybody is home... not the best time for focused writing. I still have yet to save enough money to get a carpenter to come and fit a new sliding door between 'my section of house' (the garage) and the body of the house ( where the blokes live and fight!). Such a simple solution to create a quiet space yet something else of necessity always crops up or I move higher on the mania scale and impulse spend! (No justification except I feel like a normal person for those few minutes, for a change... someone out in the world with earning capacity and disposable earnings).

Luckily the previous day's yoga class was holding firm and my energy levels were good, even if my concentration not so. I am now in countdown for a somewaht difficult family crisis point, very early May. As my wonderful psychiatrist has reassured me... anybody would be anxious and similarly going through the emotional swings that accompany this not-so small matter. It is as if no days matter until this is over and the Anzac Day weekend signals the coming of THAT month. My son's 21st becomes secondary at this point and as for Mother'd Day... well forget it.

I am praying some good friends can wrangle 'a good old Aussie sickie' mid month, post-crisis to spend a day celebrating one of our birthdays and having totally indulgent 'me' time at Peninsula Hot Springs. As mothers dealing with a challenging year on the famly front we all deserve it!

Rewards and living in the moment is my only consolation and driving impetus at present... but hey, what ever works to keep going, has to be a good thing, surely.