Would you believe I am sitting at home wearing my purple woollen gloves? I have paid the heating bills and no it is not freezing. This is a new one even for me... I am wearing gloves so as to not scratch my face, arms and generally visible skin!
Given that this is a mood and wellness diary, this needs to be recorded. I have been battling off depressive swing for around five days now and have been doing everything I can think of to keep the endorphins flowing... but 'everything' is not working as expected.
I am meditating to the CD from my wonderful hypnotherapist Carolyn, and I am able to fight off the teary moments and panic attacks tightening my heart muscles. They are truly scarey and one has to have had one to understand that if a heart attack is worse pain than this.... please God spare me. I do the breathing into a paper bag when hyperventillating but have been unable to get to yoga (which I so obviously desperately need right now). And as for Art therapy... well let's just say that a trusted person equated it with "basket weaving" the other day. Wham another kick in the guts to devalue my wellness routine... so instead of going I sit at home feeling guilty and crying instead! What I wouldn't give to splash black paint all over a canvas and free up my anger right now! And somewhere where I can forget about making a mess on the carpet... Basket weaving indeed... lead by a trained therapist arts practitioner... how dare this person!
This is not the first (nor will it be the last) time that this person in authority undermines my wellness regimes. She already openly expresses disdain for the work of my psychiatrist... the wonderful Dr John who has kept me alive for over twenty years now (and that of the wonderful Gerald for ten years before him). Again this is gross misconduct to infringe on private medical treatment in this manner. But what to do... I can only attempt to resolve the conflict in the only effective way I know... by writing.
People dismiss Stephen Fry's daily Twitters but I suspect they perform a more important function than self-promotion. To my way of thinking, by twittering or blogging in a public forum we BMDs are able to gather strength from the fact that there is a positive and supportive readership somewhere 'out there' on our side. We must 'make it' to repay their faith that we can. many of these perceived readers may be 'like us' just longing for someone to understand the illness and to prove that we can win... no matter what is thrown our way.
I would also like to explore the idea that the much criticised chaotic and random thoughts illuminated by my writing are in fact valuable insights into how the mind of a BMD person functions. What I am always trying to do is to discover patterns and linkages across all apparently random and disparate threads of experience.
It is my belief that by finding these connections I can make sense of the world and see a better and clearer way ahead. This in turn reassures me that the bad times are only temporary and that they will be over once I discover the greater meaning or clearer path through.
I am currently supposed to be writing about madness and creativity IN AN ACADEMIC WAY... yet what I want to write is this material and in this style and voice. This is my working through ideas surrounding madness and creativity, and indeed generativity.
So why the gloves... I hear you say.
Wel,l the tension and aggression being forced beneath the surface is emerging at night through insomnia and just so that there is no respite from the anxiety in daylight hours, I have developed a (and I can't believe I am typing this word) psychsomatic itch and allergic reaction!
I am sitting gloved to not scratch as I have red whelts all over my arms, neck and scalp. I am smothered head to toe in aloe vera cream, as phenergan merely sedates me temporarily and of course I get zero written for my PhD! Again.
So the current course of action... aloe vera cream, soft old trackies and gloves... no man-made fibres at all!
Now I am testing to see if I can concentrate and write. If I can do this blog I can attempt to find rational thought structures in my writing for my academic work...
Well at least that is what I am praying for today! Here goes.
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