Dear Reader (me)

Thursday past was a very intriguing day. I had expected that after all the legal brouhaha I would simply be able to swing back into my expected life of study and focus.

WRONG.

Naive again.

There was an amazing emptiness and lethargy which swamped the emotional space where the adrenaline had been.

I should have realised that it would take a little time for my brain chemistry to re-adjust after so many years of 'fight or flight' patterns. But for a change I did not beat myself up about it.

Lately I could be considered even more selfish and self-focuses than usual... but this time it is not a bad thing. My core inner strenth and emotional stamina is re-balancing. It saddens me that one of the most influential and (previously) idolised women in my life seems totally unable to comprehend the effects and outcomes (mentally) on the life journey which seems to be drawing to a close. Again how foolish of me to not expect someone to fall precipitously from a pedestal I had created.

Why is it that I still equate high intellect with common bloody sense?

That is just plain stupid and demonstrably wrong.

I find that out every time I work at a University. I discover that IQ does not necessarily ensure EI, and whilst it is the conversations and wit of my brightest colleagues I enjoy, and thrive within those interactions, it is the very human compassion and empathy shown at work to me, by colleagues and scholars (who could be described as 'not so intellectually brilliant to the academic shining stars'), which is perhaps the most priceless gift they can give me. It is these 'real', 'down-to-earth', 'flawed' but 'special' people with high EI who are the 'friends' that support me when I need it most. You Lilydalers know who you are as do certain colleagues from interstate Unis, TAFEs etc.

When I am away it is these people I miss and cry for. The loneliness and compansionship lost is painful and I am stirred to drive for hours just for a few moments of shared comraderie. You all help recharge my psyche. I leave positive and ready to pickn up the pieces and move forward.

I hope one day I feel confident enough to say your names in print so that you can discover how much you have given me. I have learned a bitter lesson with two of my oldest friends (in the sense of known longest) that we can waste so many years by not speaking truthfully and openly about valuing friends attributes and love. WE wasted so many years battling the ups and downs of our lives alone, when we could have held each other up emtionally and been able to draw on this unique combined strength.

This is probably why I circulated a chain email about the most important women I would like to gather in one room. I could not limit it to the eight required. Sitting down I realised just how many women in my life at present were compassionate and sharing and each in their own way striving to change the world for the better. Even by just communicating within their nearest friendship group and sharing the wealth of life-experience and cultural understandings born from difference they were daily making me a better person and making the communty a better place. They were also nurturing the next generation to hopefully not make the mistakes made by ours.

As for the fewer males in my most valued friends/acquantance group, you were spared the chain email because "it was a woman-thing" but every word typed here is applicable to you all, also.

I can now say I am truly blessed to have had these women in my life, along with the others who did not make it to my 'global cabinet'(Rest assured you are all on my 'backbenches') who could indeed, together, change the world.

My main regret in life is that it has taken me so long to discover this cornerstone of human existence and I had missed the opportunity to value my deceased friends in the same way. I now understand how they also made me who I am today, and it is for them that my artefact will be written. My PhD will be completed. Yes, it is for me purely and simply, in the most career-driven motivation. But the content is my humble tribute to the friends I have lost and never made the effort to tell how valued they were.

Oh my goodness is this the beginning of wisdom... at last?