Thanks Graeme!
Would you believe just when I thought my back injury was getting better, the phsyiotherapist decided that I needed stronger manipulation as I was still too stiff and too slow on recovery. That was last Monday, the 19th. Since then I have had the week from hell, (and I thought Carlo's birthday week was bad!)
For the uninitiated there ae many different common back injuries. Mine has nothing to so with disk injuries, or nerve damage. Trust me to do a 'somewhat harder to heal' injury. I have injured the actual joint where the spine bones meet, in what is described as a Facet (zygapophysial) Joint or facia plate injury. You could describe it as where those little sticking out bones of the spine connect together with the actual spine disks and vertebrae are, the flat faced overlocking bones (see diagram).
Graeme had given me some gentle ecercises and they had seemed to be doing okay, except after driving over 40 minutes (every trip to town or Lilydale) when the pain was acute. Well after his heat treatments and manipulations, and alignments last Monday I seem to be in a chronic state of pain, particularly of a morning when I have been relatively immobile over night. I now have two more excercises and even yoga seems beyond me at this point.I am still walkingr as excercise, but even the stair climbing is presenting a challenge. GRRRR!
So much for my wellness year.
On another front, the hypnotherapy seems to be having some desired effects. I can now 'go under' comparatively quickly. I am definitely feeling an increase in self-esteem and self-belief. I put it down to this treatment as I am doing nothing else different. I do feel that I am more than capable of completing my PhD in my chosen and preferred time span! I am adamant that I will not push to meet externally defined deadlines as this would be detrimental to my mental health. I know I will get there this year, along my own set of deadlines and my listed objectives. My PhD now has intrinsic merit again so I refuse to give this up for an externally motivated and extrinisic motivation.
My weight has stabilised, as unfortunately I have had to 'fess up that I was having too much saline inserted into the lap band monthly. I was so scared that if I didn't, the weight loss would stop, and I would put on weight again. I fear that so strongly that I was willing to overlook the problem of actually swallowing and digesting food! (Always knew I would be a great bullimic... if ever I could get that small issue called hunger under control).
Also, I know that during winter I am at risk of overindulgence as the SADS appears and I seek comfort from eating. Not that I am attacking 'bad' food, just calorie dense food unfortunately. Those bloody carbs! Rice, pasta, starches etc.
My focus this last fortnight has had to be, not so much on the weight losses and/or potential gains, but on the SADS. I cannot allow my mood-state to get so low that I am in the depression range. That is exactly what happened in the Mother's Day/Son's 21st birthday week (10-18 May). This week was a crisis point but I avoided hospital thanks to some dedicated attention from my medical team. Drs Bill, John and Caroline.
Another crucial decision saw me (when in both physical and mental pain) resorting to the Peninsula Hot Springs and spending one entire day sitting in various mineral pools ranging from 37 - 42 degrees. This together with sauna, Zen massager, and writing by hand rugged up in a fluffy towelling robe baking in winter sunlight (with sunscreen) allowed me to move up the scale back into 'normal range'.
My day was perfect.
It occurred to me that (what I had previously though exhorbitant) the annual membership was actually good value for money. It is $2000 p.a. which is less than one weekly visit for all day private bathing ($45 off peak Tues-Thurs). I could live happily with every alternate day at the Springs! Now I just need a job and a debit card with sufficient balance to avail myself of this facility.
Speaking of jobs, another reason the SADS descended, was not only related to the grey skies but my being trapped indoors working hard to present an first rate job application for a position advertised at Monash University. Anybody knowing my work history and qualifications would have thought the job description was written with me in mind... but I did not make the shortlist for an interview. I guess it was possible that people who could tick all the boxes would have to be holding a PhD and able to come in with a more developed research profile, than I have at this stage. So a reality check brought me down somewhat. The first job I had applied for and not gotten even an interview... SHEESH. That was a blow to the newly forming self-esteem.
This was followed by my own University offering two academic merit prizes for Postgrads. I cannot put in for either, as I have all the necessary components but not across the one academic year! I stretch across 2009/2010, and my accepted refereed journal article will not be published until Octiber so I can't document the index of article titles... I always seem to not fit the norm.
Next, I hear that one of our Supervisors has a PhD student in NZ with five refereed articles!
What's the bet s/he is a staff member of a University and is doing the PhD from work part-time? Beung a wage and salary earner, I would like to think any PhDer could produce work to that standard. But when we are full-time students daily grinding our way along the 3 year path, we haven't got a hope of focusing this much outside the PhD itself. Then to rub salt into the wound, this academic told me dismissively that the student wouldn't be interested in the $1000 prize. To those of us on stipend this is indeed a princely sum. Yet again the reality of economic and social disadvantage rears its ugly head, within the supposedly level playing field of academia.
All the time I come across examples where students, especially those from lower socio-economic groups, sole parents, those with domestic carer duties (okay I'll say it.... predominantly women) are disadvantaged systemically. We do not have a breadwinner partner to shore up the family finances and to help shoulder the domestic chores and nurturing duties so we can concentrate fully on our studies/careers.
IT ISN'T AND NEVER WILL BE A LEVEL PLAYING FIELD no matter how bright the candidate.
The more I confront this reality, the more times I am challenged to avoid falling into the grip of the black dog. I just get tired of fighting sometimes. The last two weeks have been just such a time. I can only fight on one front at a time , andat present the front is my physical health. Next priority is my mental health, then of course my son, and after that my studies and lastly, my future job prospects. If only academic supervisors and bosses really understood.
I most definitely am not a superwoman.
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