Just when I thought I was in for one of those weekends, I wake to a wonderful image on the front of the newspapers. To see 14,000 people prepared to pay $50 and brave the Melbourne winter to raise money and awareness for breast cancer just re-affirms to me there are wonderful people in our community. How I would like to know more of such people. They are self-less and caring and prepared to back their beliefs all the way.
It takes some doing to travel to, parkthe car and attend the MCG on a cold Friday night. Well done all.
I should have joined you instead of sitting home and weeping because my plans went awry.I'm sure that the evening at work was quite entertaining but perhaps it would not have been as uplifting as going by train to the MCG. I'm sure they would have accepted a cheque and I could have covered it on Monday. Thus I would not have had to sit at home being berated for my selfishness and falling into a childish sulk.
I would willingly have spent this $50, as I probably would have had to spend that just to go to the work 'do' ($25 fuel, $10 tolls, $20 alcohol and then perhaps some food to soak up the damage.)
The thing that sticks in my craw [what's a bloody craw???] is that despite my tears and tantrum last night at missing the 'do', I would not have been missed.
It was more about me reaching out to feel connected than actually celebrating the occasion.
Perhaps I need to disconnect even further, emotionally.
Whilst my work colleagues have been supportive, there is room for only the occasional 'basket case' moment per friendship group. It is tiresome to always be worrying about an acquaintance, and that is all I will ever be out there. Deeper friendships require a common belief system, common social and political views and intrinsic ethical similarities. I can now honestly say, apart from sharing a work space and numerous laughs, I am often the odd-one out. AGAIN!!
I seem to take life 'too seriously', and do not adhere to the Aussie drinking and smoking culture. I am more happy sitting in a restaurant/ bistro sharing a good bottle of wine over stimulating conversation than sitting chugging down drinks whilst seeing who can come up with the sharpest put-down lines. Whereas lately I have happily worn being the brunt of many jokes... I am getting over that. I need to feel valued for who I am.
My body, illness and age are not going to be the subject of cheap jibes any more. Yes my calves are large but hey, I am working on it! Are you similarly striving to improve your health? How long have I sat on this little hurt? Months!
So in the cold hard light of a new day, I can see another chapter of my life drawing to a close. I just wish I had a sneak preview of what lies ahead. Is a new door beginning to creak open? If so where?
It is so hard to trust that all your efforts are not wasted and that the time spent will come together.
It certainly felt like all my skills were going to be recognised in the communications dept at work but that did not happen. I was caught up in the excitement of the promises and possibilities but there was no actual existing emloyment.
Also, I feel that my work skills remain undervalued within the public sector, yet I am too frightened to step outside the comfort zone of 'the ivory tower'.... and a regional one at that.
It is surprising just how much my self-esteem has fallen since being an 'at-home' Mum. is it any wonder I became morbidly obese... I hated myself. I wanted this 'no-body' to just disappear or die.
I am aware how dangerous it is to attach one's self-worth to employment and career, having made this mistake before in the '80s, but it seems to be a lesson I am very slow to learn.
In the same way I must take care not to define myself through a lack also, the lack of a significant other. Interestin this lack of partner is also held up in sharp focus at work... hmmmm, I wonder what that is telling me? Economically, I mean?
When I venture down the Main Street of Sorrento I get sharp pangs of jealousy as I see the 50ish couples sharing their Saturday morning lattes in the sunshine at the various cafes. These people dress well, in casual chique leisure-wear, read the broadsheets and generally seem so comfortable in their skin and with each other.
It is my fantasy, to have such a relationship, and the economic freedom to indulge in this past-time in one of my favourite locations (out of holiday season).
How can I become comfortable with who I am and not focus on what I do not have?
My wellness routine must find a way to deal with loneliness and I need to develop more resiliance. I have spent the last 30 odd years defining myself by what I do, or by the role I have... "sole-parent, welfare-Mum, single-mother, fat-Centrelink slob" , failure at relationships". Yet I want to be seen for who I am. Caring, giving, concerned, with a social conscience, commitment to equity and justice, and above all.. FEMININE!
Am I asking too much?
Why does this not seen 'enough'... after all I am physically healthy.
Unlike the people at the MCG last night whose lives have been touched by illness and tragedy, at least with my illness I am a survivor.
No comments:
Post a Comment